In the beginning there is shame. I am 15 and in denial. If I don’t desire men then how will I grow up to be real? How will I make sense of my place in the world? The word “lesbian” seems like it’s shutting me in and away from everything I’ve ever known. Fast forward nearly 10 years and “lesbian” is the word that makes my world so much vaster and sweeter and more sure. “Lesbian” is my home. It’s the place I’ve found refuge in; it no longer fills me with shame. Or it didn’t until recently. To be a lesbian in the current queer community is, it seems to me, to be marked with shame, to be thought of as shameful. This is not the homophobia of the straight world, but a different form of suspicion and distrust with a bitter history.
Here, in short, is what I see to be the problem. Lesbians are regarded by other queer women and nonbinary people as dangerous and/or unprogressive and/or exclusionary. We are the dinosaurs of the queer world. Stuck in a rut. I will not pretend that this is a wholly unfounded witchhunt – that we lesbians are perfect, non-oppressive and untainted by society’s ills. But I do think that some serious inter-community discussion is needed about the things that lesbian, bisexual, queer and trans women and non-binary people believe about each other. Because everyone is hurting and no one is listening.
Let’s start with the grievances that other queers hold against lesbians, because even though my first instinct when someone attacks lesbians is to think “not me!” and move on, I recognise that this is about as politically useful as voting Green in a safe Tory seat, not to mention deeply annoying. I wouldn’t stand a man #NotAllMen-ing me, so I’m not about to start playing that game either.