During a dinner party, I was asked to reveal an unusual fact about myself. My heart pounded as I tried to think of something that was interesting, yet innocuous. I felt miserable and stressed and didn’t even listen to the other guests. In the end, I told how my dad had spelled my middle name wrong on my birth certificate - Ninochka instead of Ninotchka, after the Greta Garbo film but, even as I said it, I realised I had chosen an answer that purposely revealed very little about myself.
I could have told them about the time I was driven through Tel Aviv in an ambulance at night after I had a serious allergic reaction to nuts. Or I could have spoken about how I used to write letters to my grandmother when I was a child, even though she lived nearby. Either of these answers would have let people know a little bit more about me, but would also have left me open to their judgment. The first shows that I sometimes take risks and find myself in dangerous situations (I should have asked about the ingredients). The second reveals that my childhood was old-fashioned and unusual.
It is a situation I’ve been in over and over again. Whenever I talk to someone, I try to pre-empt the negative things they might be thinking about me. Recently, I had a spell living at home with my parents and, when I told friends, even though they were supportive, I imagined what they would be thinking - can’t she aff ord to live independently? Surely she’s too old to be back at home? I knew why I was there - to save money - and I was enjoying spending time with my parents, but I was still exhausting myself by worrying about what others thought.