I’ve always been awful at decision making but something inside me knew that transitioning was going to be the biggest and most important decision I’ll ever have to make. In 2012 after a troubled few years of feeling lost and alone I finally came out and said it; Life would have been easier if I’d of been born a boy. If I’m honest I’d always known, I just didn’t know how to say it, and I owe the credit to my sister. She sat me down one sunny after and said: “are you struggling with your gender?”… I simply replied ‘yes’ and that was one of the most important conversations I’ll ever have, and I owe all the thanks in the world to my lovely sister and friend Sophie for her support. I know I’m extremely lucky to have been given that lifeline but nothing could quite prepare me for the life changes I was about to embark on. I’d always known something didn’t sit quite right with my birth gender, it was like I was playing a part in someone else’s life. I didn’t feel comfortable in that body or in how the world saw me and interacted with me. I didn’t know how to say the words. Growing up, there were no role models or help. It was almost like changing gender would be a mission impossible. But after seeing some things on the TV and YouTube I decided to just go for it - well I couldn’t really stop it.
Although, if you’re transgender and you’re reading this, you’ll know just how hard the road to transition is right now. It’s getting better, and of course, we’re on the verge of changing into a world where it’s more acceptable to be yourself, although the wait, to be seen by a gender clinic is truly heart-breaking. I was lucky and only had to wait a year-and-a-half to be seen. I remember the weight that flew from my shoulders six months later when I finally got the go-ahead for hormones. The wait to start testosterone was excruciating. I passed my time by changing my documents, ID cards and busying myself with work and friends. If you’re waiting right now to be seen, please know; you will get there. You don’t think that right now and you’ll have days when you think; what’s the point? Trust me; the changes that are to come will make this battle and marathon completely worth it. You have to think of it as a long-term goal, a massive journey, and a lifetime journey. It’s not going to happen overnight, maybe not even months – to be honest, it’s more like years. I remember I paid for some private counselling to help with the wait, and a nice lady said to me; “a journey of a hundred thousand miles starts with one step” and it’s true. It’s important you look after your mental health, and practice lots of self-care during this time. Get out, go walking. Walk as you. Be social when you can but remember its ok to have days off, and chose your battles wisely. Some days you’ll feel amazing and some days you will have to wear your ‘pretend’ armour for the outside world. There’ll be highs and lows but eventually, a day will come when you stop thinking about gender and you start living.