Manners Through a Neurodivergent Lens

Here are reasons why some autistic people may be misjudged as not having manners.

By Miriam Edelman, MPA, MSSW

What is the meaning of “manners” when social norms and expressions are different among autistic and neurotypical people?

Do autistic people have bad manners just because they may behave and communicate differently? Are they rude when they do not adhere to social norms? Should they be expected to conform, behaving just like everyone else?

Should autistic people be forced to make eye contact, a behavior that may feel uncomfortable or unnatural for them?

Many traditional expectations around politeness may be challenging or misaligned with autistic communication.

Manners and social expectations

Manners, especially good ones, usually mean a certain set of behaviors:

• making eye contact

• having a pleasant tone of voice

• greeting people

• saying polite words (“please”, “thank you”, and “you are welcome”)

• taking turns speaking

• listening affirmatively (nodding)

• refraining from monopolizing conversations, interrupting people, and making put-downs (“So what?”)

Good manners help people to get along and create peace in social situations. They show respect. In offices, manners build teamwork and positive communication. A person’s behavior and interactions can affect their career.