ARE WE RAISING BOYS WRONG?

Masculinity may be in crisis, but young men are far from a lost cause. From doctors to teachers, MH spoke to seven different experts on what practical steps we can take to support the next generation

Illustrations by Klaus Kremmerz

In our increasingly polarised world, there are precious few things people can agree on. Even adverts about denim jeans can create nuclear levels of eruption these days. But the idea that we are hardly living through a stellar generation of boys and young men is starting to feel less controversial by the day. Statistics show boys are behind girls in every area of education. Boys are also reporting increasing levels of loneliness and are struggling to find jobs compared with previous generations. As such, the pathway from troubled boys to their toxic adult counterparts is becoming all too common.

But it’s one we can avoid. We’re constantly fed different reports on why this is happening: porn is damaging our capacity for intimacy; social media is creating a generation of young men with body dysmorphia; and the manosphere is to blame for increasingly warped opinions on gender. But the bigger question is: what can we do about it? Because, as the following seven writers will attest, boys aren’t a lost cause. They may just need a little more help navigating the treacherous waters that define modern life. What we need is less aimless rambling about toxic masculinity and more nuanced conversations about how we – as adults, parents, educators, the government and so on – can change this narrative.

In doing so, we’re not only helping boys themselves; but as they grow into happier, more content and productive members of society, we’re helping everyone else along with them. Either that, or we let Andrew Tate show them the way. Your call.

How to get your teenage son to talk about mental health (even when he’d really rather not)

BY RHALOU ALLERHAND

PERSUADING YOUR teenage son to talk about the weather is hard enough, let alone his mental health. But with anxiety, depression and the growing influence of pervasive online subcultures on the rise, these conversations have never been more important. We asked Rory Barr, a consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist at Berkshire Grove Hospital, how to support your teen’s emotional wellbeing without turning it into a TED Talk.

Why do so many teenage boys struggle to talk about their emotions? As teenagers develop, they are exploring and forming their individual identity. Teenage boys might feel that society, family and friends expect them to be strong and successful. It can be hard to be vulnerable and acknowledge that things are difficult. Teenagers might also find it tricky to predict how a parent will react, particularly if they haven’t seen or heard you talk about emotions. As human beings, we learn so much by observing others, and fathers have an opportunity to show their children that it is normal to experience the full range of emotions. We’ll all be sad, angry, bored and hopefully happy at times. We can also demonstrate that things might not be perfect in our own lives and that’s okay.

What’s the difference between normal teen moodiness and something more serious? The most important factors to bear in mind are impact and duration of difficulties. Is your child not able to do or enjoy things that they did before? Have you been concerned about mood for more than two weeks, or anxiety for longer than six months? Trust your gut instinct as a parent; if you’re concerned, then seek advice and support. I’d be concerned about any significant changes in behaviour and remember that irritability is a common symptom of depression, so remain curious about what’s going on with your teenagers, even if they’re not forthcoming.

What’s a good way to start a conversation about mental health? It’s important for teenagers to feel listened to and not patronised. They also may disagree with statements such as, ‘I know what it’s like…’ because their experience will be unique and we probably don’t know what it’s like for them. I recommend picking a good time and place to have a private chat and opening with something gentle, such as, ‘I noticed that you don’t seem to be going out with your friends as much as you used to. I was wondering if anything has happened/how you’re feeling.’ We don’t often talk about feelings, but it’s never too late to start.