I had been at my lowest. Another relationship had broken down and here I was, trying to work in a job I couldn’t stand. I didn’t know whether to just run out of the office and never come back or leap off the top of the building. I just couldn’t deal with the intense emotions and the whirlwind of thoughts in my head. Later that week, I just about got back to normality thanks to frequent calls to crisis lines (which really supported me and arguably saved me, by the way). But after a few months give or take, I emotionally fell apart again.
I went to see counsellors, and some of them helped (inspiring me to later enrol on a counselling course myself), but I wasn’t improving so much as I was just about coping. I would get a break and then the cycle would just start again. What I really wanted was to shift this pattern entirely, which was ruining my life.
So I dove into self-help books and found book after book telling me to love myself, be present, think positive thoughts, focus on what I want rather than what I don’t want. It all sounded so easy, but applying it to real life was a different matter. And the more it didn’t work for me, the more useless I felt. “I can’t even get these simple steps to work”, I was thinking as I continued to mentally beat myself up.
Becoming a teacher
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October 2020
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