Self-help gurus and agony aunts are obsessed with two aspects of relationships: how to get one if you’re single, and how to cope if yours is in crisis. But when you’re nagged by the sense that your ‘perfectly good’ relationship could be far better, neither is much use. We assume that if we find our soulmate, endless romance will follow, or that ‘perfectly good’ is as much as anyone has the right to expect. But truly getting to know someone, long after you’ve paired up or had kids, can be far more exciting than dating. It just takes dierent skills.
Abandon the ‘romantic ideal’. As a culture, argues philosopher Alain de Botton, we’re fixated on the idea that the perfect spouse should share all our tastes, and make life easy. But that never happens. The best kind of partner is a source of healthy challenge, even (respectful) conflict, who pushes you to grow and confront parts of yourself you’d sooner ignore.
Treat your relationship as part of a web.