On 27 December 2018, my husband Pete took his own life. Depression had convinced him that the world would be a better place without him. He went out for a run that morning, never to come back alive.
I have lost count of those who have approached me since that day and told me that they are lost for words. I too still struggle with all the thoughts and emotions I have been through since Pete died by suicide. All I know for certain is that depression is a horrific illness that brought an incredibly bright, intelligent, funny man to his knees.
Many people knew of Pete from the books I’ve written. It was Pete who came into my life in Mud, Sweat and Tears. It was he who waited for me at remote support stops in the Wicklow Mountains as I tried to complete the 115-kilometre Wicklow Round back in 2008. Pete had a starring role in my second book, Bump, Bike and Baby, when I tried to juggle becoming a new mum with toeing the line at adventure races across Ireland. Those who read it have often come up to me and told me I’d married a saint.
Running, particularly in the mountains, has always been my solace and my place to forget any pressing woes or cares. I thought that, after Pete died so tragically, this would be how I would cope with my newfound grief. Within a few days of his death, I found a spare moment to head out. As my legs relaxed into a cadence, my mind soon loosened up. However, rather than playing tranquil thoughts, out came a barrage of unruly theories and questions. My mind replayed events from that day when Pete went missing.
It retraced the months of his illness. It even delved back into our own decade of history, of the many choices and decisions we’d made together as a couple. I tried to distract myself from this hurtling train of thoughts that were getting me nowhere, but not even looking up at the surrounding mountains to find some positive inspiration could stop their negative trajectory. The only thing I could do was stop dead in my tracks as I desperately tried to breathe in the midst of this panic attack.
I eventually had to admit that running would not be there for me like it had always been before. It was like going through yet another horrible bereavement. After much soul searching, I made the difficult decision to hang up my running shoes.
Leggete l'articolo completo e molti altri in questo numero di
Women’s Running
Opzioni di acquisto di seguito
Se il problema è vostro,
Accesso per leggere subito l'articolo completo.
Singolo numero digitale
Nov 2021
Questo numero e altri numeri arretrati non sono inclusi in un nuovo
abbonamento. Gli abbonamenti comprendono l'ultimo numero regolare e i nuovi numeri pubblicati durante l'abbonamento. Women’s Running
Abbonamento digitale annuale
OFFERTA SPECIALE: Era
€42,99
Adesso €29,99
fatturati annualmente