Until 10 years ago, non-commitment was my default pattern. I never stuck with a relationship, worked as a freelance management consultant rather than get tied into a job and spent time on long, remote expeditions. FOMO was an issue; I always felt there may be something better around the corner. I told myself I didn’t want to settle down. In my mid 20s, I burned out and was diagnosed with ME. For a couple of years, I was either bed-bound or in a wheelchair. I was told that there was no cure. Desperate, I studied everything I could to see what might help - psychology, physiology, nutrition and biology. I read about attachment and, gradually, I began to understand that some traumatic experiences in my childhood had led to me having a heavily avoidant attachment style.
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: JYN SAN
PHOTOGRAPH SEAN MALYON
Talking to friends and seeing a therapist helped. I began making a conscious choice to change my behaviour and took the time to process my feelings. For example, I used to go into a relationship very cautiously and sometimes I’d freak out and distance myself, going quiet and retreating into my shell. Occasionally, I’d be critical to push someone away and avoid feeling trapped. I’d distract myself with exercise or studying to stop me having to think about what was really going on.