Wee Ginger Dug

Mystic Dug’s predictions for 2017

by Paul Kavanagh

2016 was a dreadful year, and we all go into 2017 telling ourselves that the New Year can’t be any worse. Admittedly that’s what people told one another at the end of 1938 too, but we can only hope. The dug has been staring into the crystal waters of his dog bowl in an attempt to discern what’s in store for us in the coming year.

JANUARY

It’s the presidential inauguration in the United States. Donald Trump insists on an abbreviated and smaller version of the Bible on which to swear his oath because he wants his tiny little hands to look a bit bigger. Parts of the Bible were removed to make it smaller, especially all those bits about how it’s a sin to tell lies. Not coincidentally, sightings of creepy clowns cease all across the USA. The creepy clown is now in the White House.

FEBRUARY

An alien invasion is narrowly averted. An advance party of reptilian extraterrestrials from the Cygnus constellation arrive on Earth only to return home as soon as they see who Donald Trump has appointed to his cabinet as they believe that reptilian extraterrestrials from the Cassiopeia constellation have beaten them to it. In other news, a celebrity dies. But it was only someone from Celebrity Big Brother, so no one really gives a toss.