WEIRD WORLD OF FOOTBALL

…Portugal, Tondela have unveiled one of the greatest mascots of all time –a crocodile armed with a crossbow

1.  “ONE MORE STEP, AMIGO, AND THE PHOTOGRAPHER GETS IT”

There are few more daunting opponents than the man-eating crocodile – when that crocodile is also wielding a crossbow, you’ve got no chance.

Thankfully, Tondela’s new mascot doesn’t actually devour humans – positive news for midfielder Joao Pedro, who posed next to the reptile after winning man of the match in a recent victory over Gil Vicente. 

Based in the historic Beira region, the Portuguese top-flight team received a mid-season boost with the unveiling of the club’s new mascot, O Beirao. Tondela let fans vote for their choice of mascot – presented with the option of a croc with a crossbow, there was always going to be one winner.

The weapon is a nod to the town’s location in the ancient Terra de Balistariis (Land of Crossbowmen), but why it’s a crocodile is anyone’s guess.

It clearly wasn’t enough for the people of Portugal, though – they voted Vitoria Guimaraes’ Super Afonso the knight as this season’s best mascot instead.

There’s only one way to change their minds next year – give the crocodile a Kalashnikov.

2.  JORGE CAMPOS: STILL AVAILABLE FOR HIRE

Jorge Campos is known for wearing some of the finest football shirts in history, so when LA Galaxy needed a model for their new community kit, they knew exactly who to call.

No matter that the former Mexico and Galaxy goalkeeper is pretending to save a football while wearing an outfield shirt – and that, if you stop and actually think about it, none of this really makes any sense – it’s Jorge Campos, and for any fan of ’90s football, that’s already enough.

Continuing their smart marketing strategy, Galaxy got Cobi Jones to model the kit, too – after all, no one sells jerseys quite like an ill-fated Coventry City signing from 1994...

3.  “GUYS, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY EYEPIECE?”

When Switzerland legend Stephan Lichtsteiner called a halt to his playing days last year, he had three options for his next career: watches, Swiss army knives or Toblerone.

Unwilling to consider any job that didn’t propagate some sort of Swiss cliché, the former Arsenal defender plumped for the first of those options – beginning an internship at Zurich watchmakers Maurice de Mauriac.

FFT suspects he probably chose the profession just so he could use one of those little watchmaker’s eyepieces – although a quick tip for you, Stephan, you won’t see anything if you put it on your forehead like that. We’ll forgive him, it’s his first day.

4.  THE NEXT FERGIE?

Ross Nicholson may be a little-known former New Zealand goalkeeper, with no plans to fly 11,000 miles to manage Aberdeen, but that didn’t stop him being bizarrely backed to become the club’s new boss.

Bookies were fooled when a Scottish punter attempted to place a bet on his Dons-supporting pal, also called Ross Nicholson. Knowing they’d research the name online before accepting the bet, the punter found a namesake on Wikipedia – editing the ex-Auckland City man’s page to include a recent spell with ‘Czech club Diznei Exeest’.

Nicholson was soon listed as 7/1 for the Dons job, prompting bafflement at Pittodrie. Neither of the two Ross Nicholsons was invited for interview.

5.  “I’LL TRY NOT TO LOSE THESE IN A TAXI”

German international Max Kruse once hit the headlines when he somehow misplaced £60,000 of poker winnings in the back of a taxi – and poker isn’t his only sideline activity.

The former Wolfsburg and Werder Bremen midfielder, now with Union Berlin, is famous for an obsession with Nutella and has also been diversifying into motorsport.

In 2018 he founded the Max Kruse Racing team, enjoying success in the Nurburgring Endurance Series. Now, he’s been posing for photos after investing in electric motorbikes.

Cars, motorbikes, poker and Nutella – if this is what he’s like now, God help him when he hits his mid-life crisis...

6.  SKILLZY’S DEJA VU

With Euro 2020 finally on the horizon, that means only one thing: Skillzy’s back on tour.

Introduced to the world in 2019, the slightly unnerving humanoid mascot soon headed to a range of host cities – only to be heartbroken when the tournament was delayed.

Last summer, Skillzy was pictured sheepishly hanging around a garden near Dublin’s Aviva Stadium instead, but he’s on the move again: rocking up in St Petersburg to mark 100 days from the start of this year’s event.

He’d done the same in Munich last year, and his permanent smile does seem to mask a certain weariness – Skillzy was unveiled as a teenager, but he’ll be pushing 45 by the time the competition actually takes place.

7.  “NEXT AT EUROVISION: ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC”

There are many things that Zlatan can do – we now know conclusively that singing is not one of them.

Just as he likes it, the 39-year-old has been the centre of attention in the last few weeks – announcing his return to Sweden’s squad in time for the Euros and making a five-day appearance as a co-host at Italy’s revered Sanremo music festival.

Luminaries to appear there in the past include Elton John, Andrea Bocelli and Stevie Wonder – none of them gave a performance quite like Zlatan’s duet with Sinisa Mihajlovic, delivered hesitantly by a man well aware that he can’t sing, as he sounded more akin to a cat being strangled.

Actually, maybe it was a lion...

8.  NOSE JOB

Jermaine Jenas must have felt like he was up the creek without a paddle during the final stages of his career at relegation-bound QPR, but he was given a rather better chance of success after taking to the water for Red Nose Day.

Jenas paddled to a glorious victory during a three-day ‘nose and spoon’ race against Alex Scott, which saw the two former England internationals hike for 100km in particularly testing conditions and also speed across a lake, all while their respective teams balanced a giant red nose on a spoon to raise funds for Comic Relief.

It’s believed to be the reddest nose Jenas has seen since that day at Old Trafford when Sir Alex Ferguson said, “Lads, it’s Tottenham.”

9.  “GABIGOL, COME WITH US TO GABIJAIL”

It’s been a mixed period for strike ace Gabriel Barbosa: he won the league, then he got arrested.

Gabigol netted six goals in the final seven games of the Brazilian season to help Flamengo win back-to-back domestic titles for the first time since Zico’s heyday in the 1980s – top spot was secured after rivals Internacional had a goal ruled out by VAR in the final minutes of the season.

If anything, the 24-year-old did a bit too much celebrating – escorted away by police and questioned before being released, having been one of 200 people caught inside a clandestine casino breaking local COVID-19 rules.

 That’s one gamble that definitely didn’t pay off.