AUTHOR NATALIE LEE SHARES HER STORY OF SHEDDING SHAME AND FINALLY FINDING SEXUAL FREEDOM

As I started to approach my 40th birthday the illusion of heteronormativity began to increasingly dissipate. I felt this fire inside me grow, I was looking around thinking, “Is this it?” I had everything I’ve ever wanted: the mid-terrace Victorian house, the kids – two girls – anice car, the long-haired fluffy dog, and yet I was still desperately unhappy. I thought I’d be happy, why wasn’t I happy? The questions kept coming and I couldn’t quieten them. I didn’t have all the answers, in fact I had hardly any answers, except knowing I couldn’t turn 40 and feel like this.

I felt trapped, duped even – why did I believe the beautiful country house wedding with an abundance of blossoming white flowers, a saxophonist during the drinks reception and a guy (handsome, kind and reliable in my case) waiting for me at the end of the aisle, was going to make me happy? Why did they lie to me? Why wasn’t I given more options? Why was heterosexuality the presumed default. I was angry. I was dissatisfied, and I knew something had to change. But I was also incredibly scared. I didn’t know if I could do it. I had this constant knot in my stomach. I was about to shatter someone’s world and it wasn’t even his fault. I was about to traumatise my children and they didn’t ask for any of this. How could I choose myself and my happiness whilst fucking up everyone else’s? The word “selfish” rang through my ears constantly. But I couldn’t put out the fire inside me. I couldn’t do this anymore. I knew I’d be desperately unhappy if I didn’t tend to the fire. Feeling like this for the rest of my life felt like a slow death, and surely that would also make everyone else suffer too.