In last month’s review of redundant rockabilia, we discussed my pricey collection of disposable effects pedals.Perhaps the most expensive of these, taking pride of place within the groaning packing case in which it resides, is the Strymon Timeline. You will recall that this artefact combines a winning fusion of size and complexity. And knobs. Nine, if you’d like to count ‘em. And three switches. More banks than The City Of London. More channels than Sky Q. More computing power than that used in the moon landings. In fact, four hundred quid’s worth of ‘more’. From which you can set up two different delay times and employ them simultaneously. If you want. Used but once to replicate the riff on Let’s Dance, and now returned to the The Store Of Superfluidity and Unemployment.
Inevitably, my mind has turned to the various artefacts purchased over the years that lie outside the narrow bandwidth of ‘effects pedals’ but which have also enjoyed a life cycle akin to that of the cabbage white butterfly. Many of these enforced acquisitions have resulted from the necessity to replicate sounds required for Strictly Come Dancing - The Live Arena Tour. Each year there is a 90-second slice of soundscape lying in wait, ready to entrap the careless credit card. In no particular order, I recall the following dishonourable mentions in my bank statements. First off, we don’t welcome The E-Bow. This pocket-sized hand-held device is in essence a violin bow for guitarists, capable of producing infinite sustain by manipulating the device while holding it above the string(s) of choice. I employed it with fluctuating degrees of success for With Or Without You by U2. The issue seemed to be the lack of graduated control of the thing. It either worked or it didn’t. If the latter, the sound of silence filled an arena of 10,000 foxtrot fans as our musical director stared quizzically in my direction while the band tittered unsympathetically. That or the gizmo caused an uncontrollable detonation as Messrs Revel Horwood, Tonioli and Goodman dived for cover beneath the judges’ desk. I note that a Mark 2 model has now been introduced, presumably to address the sensitivity issue. Too late to save what remains of the judges’ hearing, but welcome nonetheless. A 100 pounds' worth of constant uncertainty mixed with an unquantifiable degree of embarrassment. Why pay more?