Private Eye

SILENT TREATMENT

THE mystery of why no expert witness was

BLUNT FORCE

WHEN National Police Chiefs Council chair Gavin Stephens

PRIVATE EYE EDITORIAL

strobes@private-eye.co.uk www.private-eye.co.uk 6 Carlisle Street, London

PEER REVIEW

IN yet another reshuffle of his top team,

Private Eye

LEUNG STORY

THE major AI companies and the government have

NUMBER CRUNCHING

“Yvette Cooper and Labour thought they could dump

NUMBER CRUNCHING

12 hours Time it took for an online

REVERSE FERRET FARAGE!

17 September 2024 : Reform UK leader Nigel

GALLAGHER’S GALL

ORDERED by press watchdog Ipso to print a

RUNNING GAGGERS

OLD habits die hard for Carter-Fuck, even as

DRAX UNDER FIRE

THE Financial Conduct Authority is at last formally

OUT OF SERVICE

THE government’s Employment Rights Bill, spearheaded by deputy

US-EYE

THE West End revival of Evita

HACKERS VS HACK

AFTER the trial of Rebekah Brooks and Andy

FLAT HUNTING

AMID the furore over Angela Rayner’s complicated housing

CARNAL RELATIONS

DISTURBING data on which types of pornography are

FULL BINGO CARD

“I wish we women would stop this silly

RACE TO THE BOTTOM

WHILE her enthusiastic Telegraph interviewer Allison

LUCY CONNOLLY GIVES FIRST INTERVIEW TO DAN WOOTTON

LIVE LONG & PROSPER?

EVGENY LEBEDEV – aka Baron Beardie of Siberia

HITCH SLAP

PETER “Bitchin’” Hitchens was at maximum sniffiness in

HACKWATCH

Woo-woo is me

DEFROCK SHOCK

D AILY MAIL editor Ted Verity recently

SUFFERING FOOLS…

“CAN AIs suffer?” asked the Guardian

LIMITED REACH

AT AN all-staff “town hall” meeting on 21

MISSING LINKS

AFTER a month of increasing surreality, bosses at

FISSION EXPEDITION

“ THIS is the solution to Britain’s energy

LORD ONLY KNOWS

LET us have no more coarse allegations that

Private Eye

“The kids of today – they’re not even

PF-EYE

FORMER New Labour health adviser Paul Corrigan is

CALLED TO ORDURE

WITH parliament returning from recess this week, how

COINCIDENCE CORNER

January : The Advisory Committee on Business Appointments

KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

TORY peer Lord (Ranbir) Suri, who was handed

REFORM CONFERENCE ROUND-UP

REFORM UK cruises into its conference this weekend

CULTURE BORES

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

RICHARD TICE, deputy leader of Reform UK (

HOUSING NEWS

IT’s hard to think of a worse way

FEAR FACTORY

DEFENDING her decision to proscribe Palestine Action in

NEU TESTAMENT

WHEN the Daily Telegraph ran a

Private Eye

“Your backbenchers want you to read the room,

WOE IS WOKING

IT’S more than two years since Woking in

STRANDED ESTATES

SOUTHWARK’s housing stock has shocking fire safety failings

BLANK MARVIN

WITH so much upheaval in local government, it’s

RUNAWAY STRAIN

WHEN the “improvement and assurance” panel in Croydon

TENDER RAGE

ALYN Jones, Somerset council’s director of resources who

THE LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 28

Silent witnesses THE biggest mystery of the trial

SIGNAL FAILURES

Virgin’s miracle

ROAD RAGE

If you build it…

The Agri Brigade

A S THE world continues to warm, academics

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox (Disney+/Hulu)

F OR the umpteenth time since a Leeds

YES, HE’S BACK!

LIGGER

PORN CRACKERS

AFTER a law change this summer which means

SPARKS FLY

GB NEWS owner, and arch-patriot, Paul Marshall, has

DUMB BRITAIN

The Weakest Link, BBC1 Romesh Ranganathan: What

AD NAUSEAM

MOBILE phone company EE has a new ad

MALGORITHMS

A feature dedicated to excellence in online advertising…

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

THE UK’s media and political establishments appear to

A-EYE

CONCERN at the potential impact of generative AI

SUBSTANDARD SUBSTACK

CHARITIES have recently spoken of “pernicious currents of

EYE-SPY

POLICE and government now have a broad range

POP EYE

THE legal dispute between five-times Grammy Award winner

KEVIN THE TEENAGER

FORMER Labour minister Lord (Kevin) Brennan asked the

Brand-extension failures

Dairylea Icosahedron

GNOME CINEMA

FOR the studios, the summer finishes around the

Private Eye

BBC News

Private Eye

“...then, once you’ve written your prompt, just press

Letter from Laayoune

from Our Own Correspondent RONY is strangling

NORTH KOREA WATCH

N ORTH KOREA has long been a pariah

Postcard from Istanbul

N ESTLED in forests on the Sea of

NOOKS and CORNERS

THE devastating fire that ripped through Liverpool’s Woolton

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

MANOR WAR

LONDON barrister Samantha Kane bought Carbisdale Castle

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Appease applause Sir, Many thanks

KERBER'S PEOPLE

Pedantry corner

…Private Eye’s editor is notoriously football-averse. Only someone

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ This isn’t a replica,” Angelica

Tory disgust at Rayner property empire

THERE was outrage in Conservative circles at the

REFORM MAJOR POLICY U-TURN

At last we’re ready for government!

North Sea Tory pledge

IN what was seen as a major boost

‘WE WANT WOMEN TO FEEL SAFER ON THE STREETS’ SAYS EXTREMELY SCARY MOB

A MOB of angry drunken men screaming abuse

Badenoch defends childhood memories

KEMI Badenoch has hit back at suggestions that,

SINKING TORIES UNVEIL NEW ‘NET ZERO’ MOTTO

TRUMP DEATH RUMOUR SHOCK

THERE was panic in cyberspace as rumours spread

An American Doctor Writes

AS an American doctor, I’m often asked, “American

A Recently Fired American Doctor Also Writes

The RFK virus or antivaxitis conspiratorus is spreading

US HEALTH DEPARTMENT ‘DECLINING FAST’

■ HOPES were fading last night for the

New Washington Ironyometer ironically not up to irony job

AFTER repeated explosions at the Washington Ironyometer due

Great mishaps in history

FOLLOWING Benjamin Netanyahu’s description of the bombing of

Pakistan oil joy

Pakistan is delighted to learn that they have

HOUSING CRISIS LATEST

TRUMP APPROVAL RATINGS SOAR

Netanyahu defends attack

ISRAELI Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu defended the killings

Those seven wars Trump has ended to earn him the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize

■ The War of the Roses ■ The

Private EyePrivate Eye

“I’m arresting you under the Terrorism Act for

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

CRACKER BARREL SPECIAL

£10,000 LONDON PHONE BOX FOR SALE

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Jackie Bezos, mother of Jeff

BBC FURY

THERE was fury at the BBC this week

Notes&queries

Who or what is Eli Lilly? Private

PINK FLOYD MAN IN SHED DISPUTE

Warnings after hottest summer on record

WITH the Met Office confirming that 2025 was

SUMMER GNOMEMART

THE KING OF TROUBLES

THE STORY SO FAR: Taking a well-deserved summer

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

The columnist who has defected to Huggies

TALIBAN READY TO WELCOME AFGHAN ASYLUM SEEKERS HOME

LATEST ‘ASYLUM’ HOTEL TARGETED BY PROTESTORS

THE owner of the latest hotel to be

Fag packet anger

A fag packet in the Dog & Duck

St Lucy of Connolly

T HE story of an inspirational martyr persecuted

‘One in, one out’ says Cooper

WITH record numbers still arriving in small boats,

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

So our election strategy is really taking shape!

Reform Taliban controversy

DOUBTS have been raised following Nigel Farage’s announcement

New head of French border force defends his men

The newly appointed head of the French coastal

DAILY MAIL HAILS ‘POLITICIAN WHO GETS IT’

Meghan TV show joy

THERE was relief in newspaper offices last night

What this photo says about the smug, tin-eared, socialist clique driving Britain into the ground

Exclusive to the Daily Mail

Couple get engaged

THIS week a woman got engaged to man.

TAYLOR SWIFT

That track listing for her next autobiographical album

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Manuel Maria Trindade, Portuguese bullfighter

NURSERYLAND TO CRACK DOWN ON ANTISOCIAL MUSIC

Friday, Once-upon-a-time

ROYAL IN FOOTWEAR ASSAULT DRAMA

Q U EEN Camillerella has revealed that when

‘How accurate is the Daily Telegraph?’ asks King and Conqueror

“Isn’t that him off the tapestry?” THE

As the queen of fashion steps down as editor-in-chief of American Vogue, who will replace Anna Wintour? You decide:

Holly Golightly Trinity (The Matrix) Bono That bloke

DIARY

MY SUMMER HOLIDAY

Private Eye

“They cast an American star to bring the

Boho cheek

My Sister and Other Lovers

Machine tooled

Sympathy Tower Tokyo

Books & Bookmen

NOBEL ROT n DOES Thomas Pynchon, at 88,

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

EVEN if there’s a slowing in the decline

Private Eye

Woking Allington, Kent

Pseuds Corner

This is more than a dinner. It’s a

Private Eye

“Hey look! My permanent marker still works” “The

Safety pinned

THE UK’s first privately run secure school opened

Privates on parade

WOMEN in the British Army are dealing with

Force of habit

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE Police has displayed deeply improper behaviour –

Fractional dispute

DOZENS of part-time holiday property “owners” are challenging

Rock bottom

ELVIS fans already angry at the shitshow of

Full of shit

THOSE who usually look forward to summer water

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£158m Dividend payments Thames Water made in March

Dutch courage

LAST weekend’s Dutch Grand Prix was the first

Fighting chance

WHEN Labour confirmed last November that it

Flats broke

AS A retired accountant with 50 years’ experience,

NUMBER CRUNCHING

7 Council homes seized by one council in

Pattern of failure

A MOTHER lost one autistic son to

Officers’ mess

LONG-AWAITED sentencing reforms to ease the crisis in

Penalty spot

PENALTY issued for breach of Russia sanctions,” ran

Trough at the top

A RISING stock market lifts all boats

STAGES OF LIFE

Looking for phone, finding phone, forgetting why you

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PAGE 94 Ep. 154 The Definitive Guide