Under the Microscope
James McCreet applies his forensic criticism to the beginning of a reader’s work-in-progress
The Lakes Lost
Rachel’s boyfriend, Daniel, crouched beside her.1
Hidden behind spikey pines,2 they’d finally found the perfect place to view the moose3 as it waded through the lake.4 She breathed in the moment of stillness,5 broken only by the animal’s heavy snorts, and the creak of the trees, grumbling in the faint breeze.6
Rachel smiled, getting ever so slightly lost had been worth it.7 After hours of stumbling8 through dense forest, only sighting glimpses9 of birds hopping between leaves,10 they’d made the decision to wander away from the well-worn trails.11
It was the final day of their holiday.12 Despite the abundance of luscious scenery,13 they’d so far been unlucky in their quest to find wildlife in the mountains.14 But this… this was the icing on top of the cake.15 Rachel knew next week when she was back staring at a computer screen in a magnolia office, she’d be pining for this moment.16
The ice snapped17 as the moose’s hoof18 ploughed19 into the cool, autumn waters.20 Groaning, he lowered his snout,21 so that delicate bubbles rippled around his nostrils.22 His long knees flexed as he searched amongst the dead wood that floated at the edge of the bank.23 “Shall we move closer?” Daniel whispered.
They slid themselves off the collapsed branch and tiptoed through the mud, streaked with slices of shimmering white.24