JANE CZYZSELSKA ASKS DIVA READERS WHERE THEY DRAW THE LINE ON MONOGAMY

NFIDELITY

Maya* met Tonya* through mutual friends at a party about 10 years ago. They hit it off from the getgo, became close as they found out more about each other and got together soon after. About eight years into their relationship, Maya, 38, realised she had the hots for someone she’d met at work and couldn’t stop thinking about her. This other person, we’ll call her Alice, was also in a long-term relationship and, although the two of them had never touched physically, nor even acknowledged the mutual attraction, Maya spent a lot of time thinking about Alice, meeting up with her every so often, texting and emailing.

Maya was in a monogamous relationship and sex had all but petered out. Although she told Tonya about Alice, she chose not to tell her how aroused and sexually alive she felt when they got together. Maya wasn’t sure if her desire was love or lust, or perhaps both. Was she flirting with Alice or just responding to her provocative banter? Maya worried about these feelings and wondered why she continued to meet Alice despite feeling committed to her partner. Was she being unfaithful? Was she trying to get a flavour of what she felt she’d lost in her long-term relationship? She didn’t dare talk about it with Tonya for fear of hurting her, or risk of losing her. They had never spoken about the “what if” if one or other of them fancied someone else. They were monogamous and apart from celebrity crushes, expressing desire for anyone else was off limits. Maya knew she didn’t really want to have sex with Alice, the fantasy and the shared feeling of mutual attraction was enough. Each time after they met, Maya went back to Tonya’s flat feeling guilty and aroused until unexpectedly one evening her arousal seemed to reignite their sexual relationship. After a year or so, Maya realised her attraction to Alice had “fizzled out” and today she says their relationship is “stronger – and sexier – than ever”.