LLP IS AT HAND

AMONG all the possible tax rises floated by

In the money

● The Eye ’s new financial section opens

PRIVATE EYE EDITORIAL

strobes@private-eye.co.uk www.private-eye.co.uk 6 Carlisle Street, London

CHINA SYNDROME

FOLLOWING the latest spying scandal, chancellor Rachel Reeves

THE HOLE TRUTH

OF ALL the subjects former prime minister Rishi

ASYLUM LEAKERS

WHEN does taxpayer value for money constitute squandering

FAIR TETHER FRIEND

SPEAKING on LBC with Nick Ferrari recently, Reform

NUMBER CRUNCHING

6% Increase in turnout for Senedd by-election in

AVOIDING THE ‘F’ WORD

IT GIANT Fujitsu is so embarrassed – more

STRESSED OUTAGE

AMAZON Web Services is the cloud computing giant

US-EYE

EVERY fortnight, researching this column, I survey the

COURT CIRCULAR

BIG brother Brian will be hoping desperately that

PRINCE HARMING

THE Times ’s desperation to link the Duke

BOUNTY BAR

LOWER-paid staff at the Times and Sun remain

COLE BUNKER

THIS summer, the Sun announced it was giving

EVANS CAN WAIT

TELEGRAPH editor Chris Evans kicked off 2025 with

PEARSON’ S PROHIBITION

THE cold war being waged by Telegraph editor

CRYING WOLF

THE Financial Times has a well-used online comments

NOT IN THE PINK

SEPTEMBER brought good news for the Financial Times

GOOD GOLLY!

A PALPABLE hit against the wokerati in the

LOW LIFE

WHO is this, making a return to the

MALGORITHMS

Guardian: Former French president Nicolas Sarkozy ordered to

CHINESE DELIVERY

“WAS it conspiracy or cock-up? Were commercial interests

Chinese Embassy Breakthrough

Security fears assuaged: alternative location found on London’s

MELTDOWN AT THE MIRROR

“IT’s the heart-warming event that has celebrated the

HOW JOURNALISM WORKS

DOWN-on-her-luck former model Katie Price is currently touring

Private Eye

“He wants to know where he can claim

Private Eye

“I don’t trust this product – Stephen Fry

FINE COMPANY

“A PLEASURE to meet with Star Xu, CEO

ALARM BELLS RESTART

WORK and pensions secretary Pat McFadden’s October announcement

ARMS WAY

NO APPARENT conflict for defence secretary John Healey

MATERIEL GAINS

THE revolving door between government and the arms

RICH REWARDS

“Can’t you run a deficit or something?” A

BILL WITHERS

THE government’s watered-down legislation on mandatory reporting of

LOAN SNARK

THE chair of a House of Lords committee

GOING CARACAS

BORIS JOHNSON had kind words for Venezuelan opposition

Private Eye

Telegraph

CALLED TO ORDURE

EARLY debates about digital ID cards have not

LAM STEW

THE great white – sorry, culturally coherent –

Private Eye

“Leaving Britain and heading south? I wasn’t planning

COINCIDENCE CORNER

6 March: Labour MP Warinder Juss tells the

MORSE INSPECTION

FORMER national auditor Lord Morse has reported on

SANS GILL

SENIOR Reform figures have been tying themselves in

EU-phemisms

“With Britain’s new attitude we can forge a

HOUSING NEWS

WITH four weeks to go until the budget,

MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE

TEES Valley regional mayor Lord (Ben) Houchen is

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

THE question of who will pay when Russia’s

MEDICINE BALLS

Casualties of war

Trick-or-streeting

STREETING has responded with some very bold promises

Weighty problems

THE Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA)

Prostate screening

THE National Screening Committee rejected prostate cancer screening

LAB RESULT

PATHOLOGY lab workers at a private biomedical testing

Private Eye

Private Eye

Priavte Eye

“I thought they were already here?”

BEDLAM IN BEDS

COUNCIL chiefs in Bedfordshire scrapped a consultation to

GOLDEN SHOWER

BEHOLD the bulging coffers of the City of

PAYOFF LINES

SO. FAREWELL then Croydon chief executive Katherine Kerswell.

WATTS THE PROBLEM?

EYE-WATERING waste in Wiltshire, where three years ago

REFORM ROUND-UP

KENT chaos after kamikaze leader Linden Kemkaran culled

Private Eye

“Blimey, the leader does like to turn the

SIGNAL FAILURES

Great barrier grief

ROAD RAGE

Critical mass

The Agri Brigade

A MID continuing uproar orchestrated by the likes

The Forsytes (Channel 5) House of Guinness (Netflix)

T HREE opening scenes from TV dramas, broadcast

Private Eye

MEDIA NEWS

FOCUS ON AI

DUMB BRITAIN

Mastermind, BBC2 Clive Myrie: According to legend, King

AI : IT ’ S THE S A M OLD STORY

“There’s a lot of short-term stuff we could

Private Eye

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

THE Online Safety Act (OSA) is facing the

AD NAUSEAM

THE Ordinary is a cosmetics brand on a

BALL BALLS

THE British Museum’s new Pink Ball may have

HOW PR WORKS?

THE boss of the UK “communications consultancy” working

THE LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 31

The other experts, Pt 1 IN TRYING to

Private Eye

Nighthawks 2025

Private Eye

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

Letter from Colombo

B ANKRUPT and with a p olitical class

Despatch from Santiago

E NSCONCED amid the majestic fjords and glaciers

Postcard from Kayes

A LL roads to Bamako are henceforth combat

NOOK and CORNERS

A GE UK, which is facing demands to

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON KNIFE & PACKER

LETTERS

letters@private-eye.co.uk Andy pandering Sir, Are you going

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

TWO years ago the Colston Hall, run by

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ Father’s Day is right around

Private Eye

HALLOWEEN HORROR COSTUME SHOCK

Halloween movie highlights

The Bride of Frank-Epstein (BBC2) Mad monster maker

Plan to smash asylum gangs ‘a success’

The Home Office revealed its latest scheme to

The revolutionary new policy helping Britain’s borders

BRITAIN’S borders have never been safer, thanks to

Minority representation on TV causes outrage

There has been widespread support for prominent Reform

✷ ✷ISRAELI CEASE-FIREWORKSTM✷

MAKE GUY FAWKES NIGHT GO WITH A BANG!

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS

WOMEN LEAVE JOBS ON TV SHOW WOMAN RELEASES

Prison escapes then and now:

1950s Spend six months digging with a stolen

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

WELL, we’ve had a bit of a boost

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

RUSSIAN ASSETS 1 Billions of dollars which could

Financial advice: try to buy gold several years ago

An incisive new report has discovered that you

Starmer relaunches digital ID campaign

THE Prime Minister has relaunched his policy of

PUNK LEGENDS SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

Promised anarchy in the UK Delivered it

Boris Johnson admits using AI

THIS week Boris Johnson controversially admitted that he

WHY YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY AND RELOCATE TO DUBAI NOW

RACHEL Reeves is planning the following tax raids

AMAZON WEB SERVICES OUTAGE

An apology to those whose lives were seriously affected by the global failure of AWS

New milestone reached by US President

ONCE again, Donald Trump has entered the record

GUIDE TO PRINCE ANDREW’S RESIDENCES

His current home, which has three wings The

GIANT METAPHOR SPOTTED IN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

THIS week a giant metaphor rolled into Washington

‘NO KINGS’ PROTEST A FLOP SAYS MONARCH

King George the Third has dismissed the “No

NEW BUILDING FOR WASHINGTON

Arse de Trumph

CHINESE TO REMAKE STAR WARS

“Master Luke, I am sorry to interrupt, but

Private Eye

“When shall these three meet?”

That Trump Putin peace plan so far in full

THE KING OF TROUBLES

A short story special

TOP POLLSTER IN TERRIBLE BY-ELECTION JOKE

Dictionary Corner

1. Culturally coherent This combination of an adjective

Who do you think was behind the daring royal jewel raid?

Pink Panther legendary French jewel thief Lupin legendary

Will Plaid Cymru win the general election in 2029?

THE incredible triumph of Plaid Cymru in the

LONDON CUTS TARGET FOR AFFORDABLE HOMES

LONDON has cut the target proportion of affordable

MR MEN BOOKS IN LUCRATIVE TIE-IN

STRICTLY IN CRISIS

WHY DID CLAUDIA AND TESS DECIDE TO LEAVE STRICTLY?

THE WORLD reeled in shock on Thursday morning

Glittering night at the British Museum Ball

YES, all the famous faces turned out to

INBETWEENERS RETURNING TO TV

THEN NOW

THE REITH LECTURES

THIS YEAR’S TOPIC Standards at the British Broadcasting

HIGH TECH OUTAGE LATEST

WHAT to do if your copy of Private

DIARY

MELVYN BRAGG : Hello. In the autumn of

Private Eye

“Wait for it... wait for it...” “Are we

Art imitates strife

What’s With Baum? Woody Allen (Swift, £18.99) O

Return to Ozz

Last Rites Ozzy Osbourne (Sceptre, £25) I T

On the Waugh path

One of Us Elizabeth Day (Fourth Estate, £18.99)

Pedigree chums

On Friendship Andrew O’Hagan (Faber, £12.99) S CANNING

Books & Bookmen

AWKWARD AGE

SPREADING MOSS

n EYEBROWS have been raised over Sarah Moss’s

GIFT OF FORSYTE?

n WITH Channel 5’s The Forsytes up and

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

The Poems of Seamus Heaney, Eds. Bernard O’Donoghue,

Pseuds Corner

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all

Private Eye

“Take your pick – cold, covid, flu” “This

Biting the pellet

AS THE Financial Conduct Authority investigates potentially criminal

Locked out

RETIRED solicitor Geoff Smith was awarded an MBE

Marks bothers

A CAR rental business that dared to brand

Cuts and bruises

THE first research into the impact of drastic

Stress tested

A LONG-RUNNING industrial dispute between the 120,000-strong University

Shop affront

EMBARRASSMENT for Canada Life, the pensions and investments

Dying arts

DESPITE dire shortages of art and design teachers,

Torn net effect

E ARLY October brought Storm Amy and gale-force

Wight elephant

THE sale of struggling Isle of Wight ferry

Bitter end

THE sale of the Ringwood Brewery site in

Dram fools

ISLE of Arran Distillers has received the go-ahead

Kogan kicks off

C HANTS of “Keir Starmer is a wanker”

NUMBER CRUNCHING

4 Stars (out of four) Environment Agency gave

In the money

Rigging the system

Reform character

L UBOV CHERNUKHIN, wife of the Russian president’s

Brolly bad show

O NE of the more egregious and expensive

Tight trouserers

T HE latest list of companies failing to

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£2.9m Fine received in 2023 by Unibet operator

THE LAST LAUGH…

“Any last requests?”

Private Eye

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE

MARTIN RANDALL TRAVEL

Illustration: Rome, the Forum, lithograph by W.H.M. McFarlane