No strings attached

The case for giving without expecting anything in return

‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.’ It’s a phrase you’ve probably heard plenty of times. Reciprocity, or the unspoken expectation of it, is ingrained in social interactions. Even just hearing a heartfelt ‘thank you’ or ‘I owe you one!’ can feel satisfying when you’ve done something nice for someone. And if you don’t receive the recognition you crave, it can sting.

This happens in all kinds of relationships. If you are there for a friend during their breakup, you may feel hurt if they don’t check in on you when you face a tough time. If you put a lot of thought into a birthday gift for a sibling, you may be resentful if they forget yours or give you a generic gift card. But giving without conditions or expectations can be a source of joy, not only for others, but yourself too.

Fair exchange

True generosity isn’t about expecting something in return, but about giving freely, simply because you can. Giving, without strings attached, can turn everyday moments into quiet acts of love, strengthening your connections without keeping score.

Buying a coffee for a colleague may seem like a nice gesture, but are you secretly assuming they’ll get the next one? If you give a friend a lift to the airport, do you bank this as an IOU for your next trip? Giving to others, whether it’s your time, material items or kind gestures, can be a beautiful way to show you care for someone. But so often, these gestures are underwritten by a silent contract, one that has expectations of reciprocity. When these expectations aren’t met, it can be painful and breed resentment.

If you recognise this in yourself, don’t feel bad, it’s normal. According to some experts, a desire for an even balance of ‘give and take’ may even be an evolutionary trait, and something you are not always conscious of.