The blog I write is all about fantastic food and fabulous days out that i want to share, but this article is about neither of those things. It's about my shadow side, the one that's disappointed and deeply saddened when I had been hoping for very and merry at Christmas time. I can't put this down to some great tragedy, which kind of adds guilt to the bundle but only to my expectations of what I had hoped my Christmas would be.
It was when I was feeling in this frame of mind that I opened my latest copy of Grazia via the online Pocketmags version and found a comment piece by a fellow Christmas grumbler, Polly Vernon, On Being a Festive Flop.
Yes, I nodded as she wrote about her crap present wrapping skills and the guilt that comes with mounds of presents.
Then she got to the crux of her Christmas chagrin and I agreed with every word she wrote.
"And I feel sad. I think about the year and the year before, 'cos that's what Christmas is right? A point of reference on the past, as much as anything else and I think about the people who've gone, one way or another, and the ones who act like they're still here, but aren't, not really....and, yeah, I feel sad ."
Back to my own disappointments and they focus on missing out on seeing friends and family. Years of single life had meant I had strong connections with my sis and friends. Then I found the right guy, a loving, considerate, funny, clever and supportive man, and my relationships with others began to change too.
They're busy with kids and I get that. I'm busy with blogging when I'm not in work. Anyone who blogs knows the time and commitment it takes. It's social media early doors before work, in the evenings between dinner and washing up, it's whenever you've got the TV on and it's at the weekend, every weekend. As a consequence I've not contacted my friends as much and in my head, all that quality time I'd been missing out on was going to be made up for over Christmas.
Things didn't really work out like that. The truth is where attention goes energy flows and friends were just not available at the times that suited all concerned. I still love those that I miss very much and feel a bit bruised that I'm not on their priority lists. Reading Grazia didn't fix any of this but it was a relief to find I wasn't alone in feeling let down by the promise of a very merry Christmas.