Before I came out I just didn’t get the whole love thing. Why in the world did people write songs about it? Pen poems about it Go off to yoga retreats about it? Cry about it? Surely it wasn’t that deep? Are people just pretending to care about this stuff so they can live out their romcom filled dreams? I felt like I missed out on a joke or a PSHE lesson and now I’m eternally destined to not have a clue what people are on about. And that was fine, I thought. You can’t really miss something you never experienced. I vividly remember wheeling my bicycle out of school one day and thinking, “Well, I’ll just settle. I’ll be with someone, and we’ll tolerate it and that’ll be fine. I’m not romantic but that’s ok, I’m just not that type of a person. I’ll write Valentine’s Day cards and exchange gifts without really feeling it, but it’s all just a show anyway, and I don’t really need to feel it, do I?” Fast forward to three years later, and nope, turns out I’m just a lesbian.
In my first year of university I started watching Call The Midwife as a relaxing thing to do on a Sunday night after a long week of lectures. Little did I know, this was the beginning of a spiral that would lead me face down into a queer existential crisis. The two queer characters said “I love you” to each other as one was departing on a long voyage to Hong Kong, and that was it, I burst into sobs. As an undignified pearly tear (or 20) rolled down my cheeks, I suddenly sat bolt upright in bed with my laptop teetering on my knees, my eyes wide, staring at the door opposite me. Where did that come from? Why am I so emotional? Why do I have Feelings™? Yes, you’ve got it in one: I’m not straight, media wasn’t made for me, and now, as a gay story arc entered my consciousness at long last, the part of my brain labelled “love” had been activated. Turns out that seeing people you identify with on TV at the grand old age of 20 is a game-changer.