...Martuni, war between Armenia and Azerbaijan has brought fixtures to a halt – probably for quite some time

1COLLATERAL DAMAGE

In 2019, the Avakyan Arena hosted the CONIFA European Cup, welcoming stateless teams from far and wide. Now, it’s firmly out of action.

The stadium is situated in the town of Martuni, in the Nagorno-Karabakh region – or Artsakh, as it’s called by Armenians. The region is claimed by both Armenia and Azerbaijan – as a result, the Artsakh Football League has never been recognised by UEFA. Martuni team Avo finished third in 2019.

Tensions between Armenia and Azerbaijan have simmered since the first Nagorno-Karabakh War between 1988 and 1994, when Azeri club Qarabag fled to Baku after their hometown of Agdam was captured by Armenians. The displaced team reached the Champions League group stage four years ago. In 2020, war erupted again in Nagorno-Karabakh: Azerbaijan recaptured Agdam, also bombing Martuni and other Armenian-controlled territory.

The war is now over, but the town and its football stadium have been left devastated. With a colossal bomb crater on one side of the pitch, it will be some time before matches resume at the  Avakyan Arena.

2CROWN GREEN BOWLS AT 6, BAYWATCH AT 7

On the last occasion that we heard from Jamie Redknapp in FFT, he was revealing memories of the curious time he got whacked over the bonce by a meat pie at Goodison Park.

Thankfully, he’s had a quieter time since then – dressing up in his finest gear and heading to the local bowls club. Redknapp was filming for the 16th series of Sky One panel show A League Of Their Own, bizarrely accompanied by a couple of lifesize cutouts of himself, each wearing only a pair of budgie smugglers.

It’s unknown whether an Everton fan turned up and hurled another pie at him – we’re pretty sure that’s against crown green bowls etiquette.

3 “KYLE LAFFERTY IS LOOKING ROUGH”

The canine world’s attempts to take over football have stepped up a notch.

First, a dog repeatedly invaded the pitch during a match between two clubs in the Serbian second division, only to be given its marching orders – shown an actual red card by the ref.

Pooches may not be welcome in the former Yugoslavia but things are a bit different in Northern Ireland, where the Urban Pup pet store have created special national team shirts for dogs, available to buy for £17.75.

All they have to do now is teach the dogs to woof ‘Green and White Army’ repeatedly, and that’s a replacement crowd sorted for the March fixtures at Windsor Park.

4 IT’S A HARD LIFE

If you’re anything like FFT, you’ve probably spent at least 75 per cent of the last year wondering what Emmanuel Adebayor is getting up to these days.

Adebayor moved to Paraguayan club Olimpia last February, but had been sent off for a karate kick in the Copa Libertadores within a month. He never played for the club again.

Thankfully, the whole thing doesn’t seem to have stressed him out too much: recent Instagram photos have shown the 37-year-old driving around on a quad bike, nipping off for a fishing trip and playing tennis. We presume every time he wins a point, he jumps across the net and does a knee slide in front of his opponent.

5 “DR ALBAN WILL SEE YOU NOW, TOMAS”

Maths was never our strong point, but if you’re anything like FFT, you’ve also probably spent at least 45 per cent of the last year wondering what Tomas Brolin is getting up to these days.

The answer was actually obvious – he’s hanging out with ’90s Eurodance/ hip-hop reggae sensation Dr Alban, of course. The musical dentist reached No.2 in the UK charts with It’s My Life in 1992, just after Brolin had knocked England out of the Euros.

Two of Sweden’s biggest celebrities back then, the duo became lifelong friends and reunited recently for some Friday afternoon cocktails. Dr Alban probably knows by now never to utter the words Leeds United.

6TOUGH NUT

Milan derbies haven’t gone well for Zlatan Ibrahimovic recently, so he’s probably less than thrilled to see one of them depicted 12ft high.

Ibra’s Milan lost 3-0 to title rivals Inter in Serie A, just weeks after the Nerazzurri had beaten them in the Coppa Italia too. Zlatan was sent off for two yellow cards in that game – the first after going head to head with his former Manchester United team-mate Romelu Lukaku.

It didn’t take long before the duel was made into a mural, right outside San Siro. Last time someone made an artwork of Zlatan, it ended with angry Malmo fans cutting off its nose – as soon as travel restrictions are lifted, they’re on the first flight to Milan, armed with a chisel.

7 “IT’S BEEN A REALLY STRESSFUL YEAR”

The Club World Cup didn’t go well for Palmeiras – and it had a terrible effect on some of their supporters.

Not really: the club are nicknamed The Pig, having adopted what was previously an insult aimed at them by rival fans. One Palmeiras enthusiast took to the streets in a pig mask on the day of their victory over Santos in the Copa Libertadores final, which earned them a trip to Qatar days later.

But Palmeiras soon became the first South American team ever to finish winless at the Club World Cup – losing to Egyptian champs Al Ahly in the third place play-off, after defeat to Mexican side Tigres in the semi-finals.

A tiger against a pig didn’t seem like a fair fight, to be honest.

8 PEAK CELLINO

When you’ve been sent to the stands, your owner is Massimo Cellino and he’s just appointed himself manager for the rest of the match, you know things aren’t going well.

But that was Pep Clotet’s afternoon against Cremonese – having worked with Cellino as assistant at Leeds, he weirdly volunteered to work for him again, becoming Brescia boss recently.

The club were in Serie A last season, but are now battling a drop to Serie C after 14 managerial changes since Cellino took over in 2017. Sent off by the ref, Clotet watched aghast – phone by his ear, probably desperately trying to ring his assistant manager – as Cellino headed for the touchline and took charge for the rest of the game.

Brescia lost. Obviously.

9 HOLY SNAP CRACKLE AND POP, BATSMAN!

What does Michy Batshuayi do on the morning of a match? He puts on his Crystal Palace retro shirt, pointlessly wears sunglasses indoors and tucks into some Belgian cereal, that’s what.

The striker warmed up for a match with Wolves by wolfing down some Miel Pops – a European version of Honey Loops that he’d presumably shipped in, a level of commitment to cereal that we didn’t expect from the Batsman. He also donned a 1997-98 jersey, possibly in honour of Tomas Brolin’s spell at the club that season.

Either way, Batshuayi started the game and Palace won, which almost never happened while Brolin was there. Dr Alban probably knows not to mention that over cocktails, either...