Private Eye

OH, YEAH?

“I know, on a day like today, people

WHIFFY PRACTICES

AS REFORM UK tries to look serious, Nigel

TATA VERY MUCH

“OUR incredible company has built cars here

MYSTERY SOLVED!

MORE than a decade ago, the Eye

GROK BOTTOM

THE recent conflict between India and Pakistan played

FIBBER OPTICS

QUITE a line-up for last week’s “Sir Harry

TURD OF THE WEEK

NUMBER CRUNCHING £123 Average customer bill increase to

FRAGILE SHELL

TIRED of having their annual general meetings disrupted

EYE TOLD YOU SO

“[This] affords an easy way for anyone in

US-EYE

WHEN it comes to violations of the emoluments

SENT TO COVENTRY

DONALD TRUMP may have interrupted Keir Starmer’s enjoyment

DEMON & DRINKS

INTERESTING times for the US press, with the

HARRY PLOTTERS

ANOTHER week, another day in court, and no

COLE SHOULDER

IT’S OFF to America for Harry Cole, ex-political

HARDING REBOOT

THREE weeks into the new Observer

GOTT OFF LIGHTLY

ANCIENT history in the Guardian, which

THE SUNTOUCHABLES

THE Sun was outraged by an

HEIR CUTS

“TWO households, not quite alike in dignity,”

KNEE CRAP

“THE Kneecap row makes our cultural elite

CHARLOTTE’S WEB

IN THE endless search for page views that

ROOM WITH A VIEW

BREATHLESS stuff from the Daily Telegraph ’s

HACKWATCH

The last Trump

DEAL OR NO DEAL

SPEAKER Sir Lindsay Hoyle hit the roof when

KEIR REVIEW

REELING from Labour’s local election vote collapse, some

AFTER LEONARDO

THE day after the local elections Keir Starmer

SABOTAGING REFORM

A SURPRISE for visitors to the old website

CALLED TO ORDURE

THE House of Lords, debating the Renters’ Rights

GRAVY TR-AI-N

IT’s often said that AI’s greatest benefit is

COINCIDENCE CORNER

3 April: In the Commons, Warrington North Labour

INSIDER JOB

HIGH PRAISE from health secretary Wes Streeting for

MANNA FROM HAVEN...

WIDELY suspected of harbouring Tory leadership ambitions (again),

ERROR PLOT

AS THE Department for Work and Pensions seeks

MAN OF THE MATCH

“WHEREVER in the world I travelled as deputy

MUTUAL GOALS

FOR a supposedly independent regulator of English football,

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

HAVING flogged €1.4bn worth of “golden” EU passports

LOWE BLOW

THIS column finds itself in the surprising position

SUCCESSFUL KKKANDIDATE

TWO of the charming Reform candidates we featured

LOAN WOLF

KICKED out by the voters on 1 May, former

BLYTH SPIRIT

EAST SUFFOLK council appears content to let billionaire estate

MEDICINE BALLS

Merger he wrote… THE merger of NHS England

LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 21

Media conflicts “WE DO not say that Ms

SIGNAL FAILURES

Stock answers SOUTH WESTERN Railway services won’t improve

ROAD RAGE

Slow driver WHEN transport secretary Heidi Alexander was

The Agri Brigade

I T’s always been hard to define the

EVE TV

Saving Lives in Cardiff (BBC2) 999: The Critical

KERBER'S PEOPLE

MEDIA NEWS

HOW much does King Brian actually know about

AD NAUSEAM

ALL manner of fun on London’s Oxford Street

POP EYE

WITH corporate bigwigs celebrating Universal Music Group’s quarterly

GNOME CINEMA

THE adult life of Leni Riefenstahl was divided

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

IF YOU suspected UK politicians are obsessed with

A-EYE

AS governments seek to implement their own programmes

Private Eye

“Apparently, TV wildlife presenters can live as long

Letter from Asunción

P ARAGUAYANS are u naccustomed to change. The

UN WATCH

T HE universal periodic review (UPR) is a

Postcard from Khartoum

T HE fall of Khartoum to one our

NOOKS and CORNERS

WHEN a 400-year-old timber building is demolished and

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Smoke gets in your Eye…

Sir, I burned the “Elect a New

Mouthy organ

Sir, Philip Ramsey does not say exactly

Privy counsel

Sir, The Jeremy Clarkson Lookalike from Peter

Divide and ruling

Sir, I know your magazine has generally

Identity theft

Sir, I have just finished reading for

All credit

Sir, I have worked in the financial

Lookalike

Frilled Lizard Caped Cardinal Sir, Has

Mystery millions

Sir, Your item on the Holocaust memorial

Stock answer

Sir, The elephant in the room in

Past mastermind

Sir, I agree with Sheila Parker (“Mastermind

Private Eye

“Get him out of his shell, you said.

Lookalike

Starmer Sculpture Sir, One of these

Platform news

Sir, David Alcock (“Open-and-shut case”, Letters, Eye

Southern comfort

Sir, It only serves to underline ‘Dr

Pay attention

Sir, I get that you wanted to have

Pipe lines

Sir, I started playing bagpipes when I

Commentatorballs

£15 paid for contributions

Pedantry Corner

… I must correct Remote Controller’s assertion that

Private Eye

“There you go, a cheeky pint”

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

THE death last month of Charles Beare, a

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “Rats have had a terrible reputation

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

HI! SO you might have noticed in the

TRADE DEALS – AN APOLOGY

IN RECENT years we may have given the

BBC TO USE AI TO DEAL WITH COMPLAINTS

THE BBC has announced its decision to employ

CARRY ON SAILOR

The new saucy British comedy starring Sid James

Private Eye

Private Eye

“…on the plus side, we generally last longer

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE LOCAL ELECTION RESULTS

“It’s like trying to stop Nigel Farage becoming

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL TORY PAPERS

LESS THAN A YEAR IS NOT ENOUGH TIME

ALSO EXCLUSIVE TO ALL TORY PAPERS

WHY HAS LABOUR NOT TOTALLY TRANSFORMED THE ECONOMY

THE FIRST 100 DAYS

Day 1 All flags to be taken down

POLICE RELEASE PHOTOFIT OF WANTED CRIMINAL

FOLLOWING legislation making climbing and defacing Winston Churchill’s

ANDREA JENKYNS FURY

THERE was outrage last night after press reports

GREEN CO-LEADER RESIGNS:

What happens now?

Shock as band called ‘Kneecap’ says something offensive

MEDIA commentators across Britain have reacted with outrage

Private Eye

“It’s like trying to stop Nigel Farage becoming

Angry scenes at conclave

THERE was delight from observers as white smoke

NEW POPE TO MEET JD VANCE

World can’t hold its breath any longer

AN exhausted globe was left gasping for air

PAKISTAN AND INDIA IN NUCLEAR THREAT

Notes&queries

What is ‘scattered spider’

Private Eye

“He’s finally done his revision timetable”

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

This week I am angry about the news

Private Eye

Another cyber-attack on a retailer!

GNOMEMART NEW FROM THE US!

CELEBRATE the end of democracy in America with

Weight loss headto-head trial results

THERE was a clear winner when leading weight-loss

GAZA OFFENSIVE LATEST

■ LAST night Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed

Eurovision preview

THE whole of Europe is gripped with Eurovision

A Tankl Driver writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ “Lovely

TRUMP DECIDES TO RENAME V.E. DAY ‘VICTORY DAY’

Those alternatives in full: America Kicks Ass

VE DAY

The celebrations continue

Sarah Vain

Whatever happened to those VE Day values of selflessness and sacrifice? Nowadays it’s all me, me, me, writes Sarah Vain

HOTTEST MAY EVER

I’ve been beaten into second place

THE KING OF TROUBLES

THE STORY SO FAR: Charles is leading the

Five takeaways from that Joe Biden interview

1 He didn’t mention Donald Trump’s name once.

THAT ALL-PURPOSE FAMILY RIFT ARTICLE

IT’S terrible to see a father and son

WeightWatchers files for bankruptcy in the US

THE famous weight-loss programme is struggling to deal

That car crash interview

Honestly, what was Harry thinking? He should never

ITS THE MARVILE

Clickbait headlines from history

I booked a cruise on ‘unsinkable’ liner –

SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH

99 FACTS ABOUT THE GREAT MAN ON HIS 99TH BIRTHDAY

WORLD CUP 2026

Donald Trump has unveiled plans for the World

Private Eye

President Trump puts 100% tariff on UK and

Private Eye

FILMS THAT WILL BE ACCEPTABLE: ■ The American

Eye Film Review

The Minecraft Movie

POETRY CORNER

In memoriam. Lines on the demise of Skype,

Post Office award at last

THERE were scenes of unconfined joy among the

Private Eye

“Tracey Emin’s work hasn’t been the same since

25 YEARS OF TATE MODERN: THE FIVE GREATEST EXHIBITIONS

TRACEY EMIN: Tabitha Bruschetta’s Giant Elastoplast (2008)

Literary Review

All the rage

FIGHT-BACK CLUB

n IN NORMAL circumstances, the unveiling of an

Books & Bookmen

FOR HUCK’S SAKE

BEAST SELLER

n AFTER teaming up with celebrities such as

TEXT APPEAL

n COMMISSION a survey and there’s a good

LIBRARY NEWS

n KEEPING libraries open in rural communities “has

Pseuds corner

At lunchtime, when she is working at her

Private Eye

“You are going to refer repeatedly to being

In the dark

WITH no immediate explanation for last month’s massive

Root of the problem

A DEEP dive into Yorkshire Water’s accounts has

Nothing to sea…

H OW convenient that, in the wake of

Gown and out

NEWS from North Tees and Hartlepool NHS Trust

Easy money

PREMIER INN has become the latest target of

Road to justice?

R OADWORKS upgrading the A9 near Inverness offer

Nuts and Bolt

RIDE-HAILING app Bolt has found a sly way

Dicks-on of Dock Green

FEMALE officers in the Metropolitan Police Service (Met)

Lip service

IN SUITABLY tardy fashion, reflecting the service’s relaxed

Out of control

STEVE MIDGLEY couldn’t quite put his finger on

Flying high

DESPITE its much-vaunted commitment to sustainability, senior staff

SponsorshIT

IN ITS new report “Reimagining Local Government”, the

Suffer little children…

SEAN had been passed between foster homes and

Best results

GOOD news! In a burst of progress, not

In the City

Barclays’ hot potato P RO-PALESTINIAN activists last

THE LAST LAUGH...

“And it is time to leave Jason, the

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