Private Eye

PRIVATE EYE

BROKEN REED WITH economic illiteracy underpinning many of

NUMBER CRUNCHING

14 Serious pollution incidents caused by Thames Water

LACHIE’S LACKEY?

DESPITE trying desperately to win over the Murdoch

EVASIVE MANOEUVRES

A REPORT from the Commons public accounts committee

ARE PRIVATE EYE JOKES CRIMINAL?!!

PALESTINE Solidarity campaigner Jon Farley was arrested, bundled

NUMBER CRUNCHING

4.2% Unemployment rate in three months to June

Getting a second opinion

MORE STRIKES?

IT IS entirely unsurprising that resident (formerly junior)

CHURCH NEWS

AFTER a faltering start ( Eyes passim ),

US-EYE

SAY what you like about Joe Biden, the

STAR WARS

“CORNWALL is now ready to open up

CRIES & SHINE

“PRODUCERS in charge of MasterChef indulged

GUTEN ALLERGY

“MILLIONS of workers risk being replaced by

A FLOOD OF STORIES…

“WE’RE never doing an anti-immigrant story again,”

Private Eye

More Street of Shame over ☞

NEPO-CRISY!

“IS ANYONE else sick of the nepo brats

LORD LUVVA DUCK

“I grew up in Soviet Russia… In that

ROGUE MAIL

THE Daily Mail devoted no fewer

SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

THE Daily Record , Scottish outpost of

KITCHEN STINK

BORIS JOHNSON was once the Telegraph ’s

BROKEN RECORD

“THERE is a lot of talk about Broken

OLLY’S LOLLY

BUSINESS columnist and associate editor Oliver Shah is

GOVE ACTUALLY

“WELL, well, well,” began the Spectator ’s

RAISING THE STAKES

“We need to focus on not delivering”

HORROR STORIES

OVERWORKED journalists at the Daily Mail

SUMMIT AMISS

AS “SECRET summits” go, it was a bit

GATHERING STORM

ON 11 July Mr Justice Nicklin issued his

PERSONAL CAPITAL

ALONG with yet more back-to-the-Noughties deregulation rhetoric (“regulation

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

ENERGY secretary Ed Miliband’s statement last week on

REVOLVING DOORS

THE revolving door between government and artificial intelligence

CULTUNE BOAES

COINCIDENCE CORNER

“Admit it, Diane... you’re deliberately trying to get

WEST MINSTER WHISPERS

THE Renters’ Rights Bill has been making its

CALLED TO ORDURE

MANDARINS and ministers, when deciding how to spend

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

WHEN Donald Trump set his sights on the

CYPRUS PLANT

THE Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus (TRNC) is

FOR PETE’S SAKE …

WITH former SNP chief executive Peter Murrell having

EU-phemisms

“We will go to war over tariffs”

ALMS TRADE

THE latest report on Ministry of Defence (MoD)

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£46m Value of contracts awarded to consultancy EY

FIRE ALARM

MONTHS after damning reports by the Regulator for

NEVER-NEVER LAND

CAMBRIDGESHIRE county council’s wholly C owned housebuilding company,

REFORM ROUND-UP

DISAPPOINTMENT for Reform voters in North Northants ,

PULLING RANKS

COUNCILS should impose stricter licensing of taxis as part

MEDICINE BALLS

The Leng Review A REVIEW commissioned into physician

LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 25

Coronial disputes AS THE Criminal Cases Review Commission

SIGNAL FAILURES

Running interference

ROAD RAGE

Guilty as charged

The Agri Brigade

A S COMBINE harvesters roll across the UK’s

TV EYE

Shark! Celebrity Infested Waters (ITV)

YES, HE’S BACK!

LIGGER

NANDY PANDERING

CULTURE secretary Lisa Nandy spent the days before

DUMB BRITAIN

Mastermind, BBC2 Clive Myrie: What 1920s dance

TORODE TRIP

AS FULL details of behind-the-scenes behaviour on

Private Eye

THE SHEER GAUL …

DEEP sighs and Gallic shrugs from the assembled

MARR’S BAR

THE fight against the government superinjunction hiding the

AD NAUSEAM

GOOGLE continues to do sweet FA to restrict

ANTI - SOCIAL MEDIA

AS WE approach the anniversary of the Southport

A-EYE

SHORTLY after taking AI chatbot Grok briefly offline

MALGORITHMS

A feature dedicated to excellence in online advertising…

POP EYE

MASSIVE ATTACK’s pious talk about staging low-carbon tours

Letter from Yerevan from Our Own Correspondent

A S THE world’s oldest C hristian nation,

MOZAMBIQUE WATCH

O N 3 July Mozambique’s public prosecutor r evealed

Postcard from Hong Kong

H ONG Kong, aka “Asia’s world city”, is

NOOKS and CORNERS

BETTER powers to tackle “greedy and incompetent developers”

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

CONTROL ISSUES

THE new watchdog set up to oversee the

NOOKALIKE

l FLUNKEY writes: Regarding the statue of the

Lookalike

Rod Rod Sir, Having watched Sir

Not covered in glory

Sir, “Ha ha ha, she’s crying. Ha

Missive implausible

Sir, Wearily I read A. Lee’s letter

Asking for Troubles

Sir, Following the logic of A. Lee

Wrong sign of the cross

Sir, Let me point out that in your

Not set in stone

Sir, ‘Bookworm’ is right that most Christians

World’s your cloister

Sir, You refer to the Rev Sue

Freight of history

Sir, As a reader of the great

Trainful employment

Sir, Transport for London’s failure to recruit

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk

Lookalike

Nigel Sir, One’s a deluded wannabe

Public Eye

Sir, May I congratulate your excellent columnist

Taking a Libertine

Sir, Aside from reading Private Eye, one

Meating your Eye

Sir, Matthew Harrison of Hong Kong (“Meat

Pint scored

Sir, Re “Brew ha-ha” (p41, Eye 1653),

Pedantry Corner Special

…With regards to your “Clickbait headlines from history”

Hedda the crowd

Sir, The writings of Dame Hedda Shoulders

Commentatorballs

£15 paid for contributions

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

THE Royal Opera’s dubious decision to welcome back

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “This new art project is

Private Eye

UNDER NEW HOME OFFICE RULES MAN IS ARRESTED FOR CARRYING PLACARD DISPLAYING JOKE TAKEN FROM PRIVATE EYE

POLICE LOG

Neasden Central Police Station

Visiting time for the Sycamore Gap Two

“Psssst – there’s a chainsaw in the cake”

KISS-CAM COUPLE EMBARRASSMENT

THE couple at the centre of the viral

Farage promises to build more jails

BRITAIN’S next prime minister, Nigel Farage, has vowed

Why are migrant hotel locations kept secret?

Is it: A) To protect ‘privacy’ of

The top 10 places to avoid this summer as JD Vance holidays in the Cotswolds

1 The Cotswolds 2 Er... 3-10 That’s it

VOTING AT 16

THOSE OPTIONS IN FULL

Voting age debate continues

MANY of them are feckless, lazy and irresponsible

WARNER BROS RELEASE FIRST IMAGE FROM NEW HARRY POTTER TV SERIES

WATER COMPANIES ISSUE WARNING AFTER DROUGHT DECLARED IN ENGLAND

BRITAIN’S water companies have released a warning over

NATION HAS NO INTEREST IN SIR ED DAVEY PROPOSALS

VOTERS across the country agreed today they had

RIGHT WING COMMENTATORS An Apology

IN RECENT months and years we may have

A Resident Doctor Writes

AS a Doctor I am often asked “Resident

An Assistant Doctor Writes

AS an Assistant Doctor I am often asked

An AI Doctor Writes

AS an AI Doctor I am often asked,

CONSPIRACY THEORY HITS IRONYOMETER

THERE was consternation among the MAGA base this

That Trump state visit in full

BUCKINGHAM Palace has now confirmed details of Donald

ALIEN VS PREDATOR

PRESIDENT HAS VEIN PROBLEM

PHOTOGRAPHS of President Trump’s swollen ankles and hand

Relief as Trump puts the thumbscrews on Putin

Donald Trump has denounced Vladimir Putin in fiery

A Tank Driver Writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ Traffic’s

FIRST IMAGES EMERGE OF ‘PROPOSED GAZA HUMANITARIAN ZONE’

CLIMATE CHANGE LATEST: UK ‘FAR HOTTER’ BY 2050

PALESTINE FLAG PROTEST AT ROYAL OPERA HOUSE

Dee Nial

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

Private Eye

Shock as protester turns out to be middle class

THE world was rocked today by the revelation

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

The columnist who is tired of being mistaken

After an AI band got over one million listeners on Spotify

Those AI musical acts to watch out for in full

THE KING OF TROUBLES

THE STORY SO FAR: Sir Alan Fitztightly has

Yes, Prime Minister

Previously secret script at last revealed

IT'S THE MARVILE

Gregg Wallace diagnosed with ‘awfulism’

SACKED Masterchef presenter Gregg Wallace has revealed that

Who will replace MasterChef presenters?

WHILE the BBC is still searching for someone

STABLE DOOR SHUTTER

(Salary £150,000 – £195,000 depending on candidate’s range

Bold new step for Woody Allen

WOODY Allen has this week announced an incredible

Wallace and Gobbit

The plasticine heroes are back. Wallace is getting

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Fauja Singh, the world’s oldest marathon

WALLACE LATEST

BBC’S HIGHEST EARNERS 2024

£94,000,000 THE lawyers acting for the BBC

MUSHROOM MURDER

Novelty dinner party item. Amuse and terrify your guests with the…

DIARY

We’d walked 234 miles and slept wild for

Private Eye

“I was awarded this for being the least

Body Pollytik

How the Female Body Works (In All its

Books & Bookmen SALT IN THE WOUND

n SCRAMBLING to catch up with rival the

SHORT STRAW

■ NOVELIST and story writer Jan Carson lamented

Pseuds Corner

My hair is a bandmate. It’s a way

GNOME CINEMA

FORMULA 1 motor racing is a truly remarkable

DISNEY RINSE

EXCITING times at the Department for Education, which

Private Eye

Celebrating the 25th anniversary of an album you

A lesson from history

ISRAEL’s Gaza plan may look simply cruel, with

Power play

THE regeneration project shovelling vast riches from Teesside

Late review

AMONG the recommendations of Baroness Casey’s March 2023

Pharma harm

FIVE years after Baroness Cumberlege’s (pictured) First Do

Must try harder

OFFERING class-A drugs to pupils while using ketamine

Nymph maniacs

DESPITE admitting that pollution from sewage discharges is

Useless Herberts

NO SURPRISE that Post Office inquiry chair Sir

Low profiling

SPRINGWATCH presenter Chris Packham knows only too

Doom of youth

A YOUNG man who was jailed after being

Anchor’s way…

CHARITABLE housing association Anchor Hanover boasts of being

Useless trucker

WHEN, in 2013, the then justice secretary Chris

Paper fail

WHEN Paul Heath challenged a hospital’s decision to

In the City

Sitting on the ringfence RINGFENCING the retail

JUDGE PROVIDES INDEPENDENT REPORT CALLING FOR MORE JUDGE-LED TRIALS