Private Eye

BRAZIL RUT

WHAT was finally agreed at this year’s UN

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1,602 Fossil fuel lobbyists granted passes to COP30

MAIL SHOT

ONE question hanging over the planned acquisition of

★ STAR LETTER! ★

Sir, The Strobes Soothsayer has scored again: the

UKRAINE LATEST: DID PUTIN DICTATE U.S. PEACE PLAN?

PRECIOUS MITTAL

“BILLIONAIRE Lakshmi Mittal quits UK amid tax raid

UNSETTLED OUTLOOK

FOUR months after Sir Wyn Williams published part

BROUGHT TO BOOK!

Post Mortem , by Private Eye’s Richard Brooks,

PRIVATE EYE EDITORIAL

strobes@private-eye.co.uk www.private-eye.co.uk 6 Carlisle Street, London W1D

NEWS

GROK OF SHIT, PT 94 AI CHATBOT Grok

AN INSPECTOR’S CALL

ANYONE getting a knock from HM Revenue &

COVID CONCERNS

THE only point in spending £200m on a

Private eye

“Boris Johnson could have been avoided... we mustn’t

COINCIDENCE CORNER

13 October 2025: Nigel Farage receives £30,000 to

SAUDI WATCH

THE pressure to improve human rights certainly eases

RETCH’S WRETCHES

HOW are things in the brave new underpopulated

BIG ROTHER IS WATCHING …

YET more twists in the tortuous saga of

METRO MAYHEM

“I HAVE an enduring love of newspapers and

STIR CRAZY

WORRYING news arrives on prison notepaper from Sodexo-run

PIERCE’S PETARD

WHEN fulminating against the BBC for misquoting Donald

NUMBER CRUNCHING

9% Fall in active TV licences in the

POT & KETTLE NEWS

THE Telegraph led the way in bringing down

LECTURE NOTES

HAVING spent more than a decade telling readers

TORTOISE HELL

SEVEN months on from the Observer slipping the

HARD TIMES

“EARNING a lot feels like a fantasy,” declared

AMBER WARMING

“CLIMATE crisis isn’t a con but it’s time

HITCHWATCH

We’re gloomed!

FLACK FLAK

“ CAROLINE was a good friend and she

AI AND THE EYE

THE boss of Google’s parent company warned last

MALGORITHMS

Guardian headline: Rachel Reeves considers 20% tax on

Private Eye

“Quiet, Piggy” “On the first day of Christmas,

ASYLUM BLEAKER

NONE of home secretary Shabana Mahmood’s draconian plans

FUND & GAMES

WHEN is a wealth fund not a wealth

CANE SUGAR

AFTER much to-ing and fro-ing, the government appears

EACH WAY BET

CONSULTANCY firm PwC hit the jackpot earlier this

FRENCH FRIED

KEEN to make hay out of Labour’s failings,

COINCIDENCE CORNER 2

25 October 2024: Reform UK leader Nigel Farage

IN LIKE FLINT

A TOP international consulting firm has hired one

PLOT TWIST

“Starmer could come out of this on top.”

CALLED TO ORDURE

WHEN Treasury minister Lord (Spencer) Livermore faced House

Private Eye

KILLING TIME

PROPONENTS of assisted dying in the House of

HANCOCK’S HALF HOUR

MATT HANCOCK was described in Baroness Hallett’s Covid

ON THE BEAT

A LORDS debate on the Crime and Policing

NUMBER CRUNCHING

2 Times Reform UK leader Nigel Farage spoke

HOUSING NEWS

LOVE them or hate them, you can’t get

REVOLVING DOORS

VOTERS may be turning away from Labour in

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

WHEN the European Commission set out plans for

Private Eye

MEDICINE BALLS

Early Christmas present THE threat of redundancy can

CIL-LY SEASON

COUNCILS continue their gung-ho enforcement of the community

WILD WEST

WIDE OPEN wallets in the West of England, where

BRANCHING OUT

BAFFLING new tree tactics in Sheffield. The council has

Private Eye

TWIST AND SHOUT

DIZZYING goings-on in the borough of Lisburn and Castlereagh,

REFORM ROUND-UP

SWEARY Kent county council leader Linden Kemkaran (

SIGNAL FAILURES

Fare game

Building blocks

THE government is determined to sideline “blockers” that

Private Eye

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

MINUSCULE energy supplier Tomato Energy went bust this

The Agri Brigade

S IX months after being commissioned by the

Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1) I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! (ITV)

T he annual edition live from Blackpool of

MEDIA NEWS

TOUGH times for ITN. The announcement this month

YES, HE’S BACK!

LIGGER

DUMB BRITAIN

House of Games, BBC2 Richard Osman: The naval

ANGUS BEEF

FEW BBC staffers have been surprised by the

VERY-LATE NEWS

PITY poor Bev Turner of GB News, whose

HALO DOLLIES

SKY SPORTS had to close its new female-focused

AD NAUSEAM

A FEW years ago giant ad agency Dentsu

REALITY CHECK

TECH bosses saw the re-election of Donald Trump

GOING FOR GOLD

SURVIVAL International, a charity supporting indigenous people around

FACING THE MUSIC

STANDON CALLING music festival went into liquidation last

A-EYE

GIVEN the spate of stories on AI-induced psychosis

GNOME CINEMA

GIVEN that The Running Man is one of

Letter from Rio de Janeiro

from Our Own Correspondent

Postcard from Paramaribo

T HESE are exciting times in Suriname, the

US-EYE

NANCY PELOSI didn’t run for public office until

NOOKS and CORNERS

APPLICATION papers from architects Skidmore, Owings & Merrill

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk BBCing red Sir, I’ve just seen

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

THERE was a time when changing jobs from

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “He was quite clever,” a

THAT 28-POINT US PEACE PLAN IN FULL

1 All disputed land to be given to

THAT ALL-PURPOSE BUDGET REACTION IN FULL

AS WE feared, this is a terrible betrayal.

COP 30 COMES TO TRIUMPHANT END AGREEING NOT TO DO ANYTHING

THE 30TH COP climate summit has ended with

Wheels come off Ashes campaign

AFTER the first test was lost within two

Coercion fears over assisted dying bill

THERE were concerns last night that the assisted

House of Lords latest

“This bill becomes law over my dead... aargh!”

COVID INQUIRY REACTION ROUND-UP

BORIS JOHNSON “Cripes! I wasn’t prepared for the

Trump in editing scandal shock

THE White House spokesperson Karoline Leavitt today furiously

Daleks refuse to accept apology from chairman

THE Daleks have indicated that they are not

TROJANS WELCOME NEW GREEK EMBASSY IN HEART OF CITY

The Trojan government today waved through a proposal

LOCH NESS MONSTER SHOCK

An American Doctor Writes

AS an American doctor, a lot of folks

School news

St Cakes – News of Old Boys Old

Andrew ‘fake photo’ storm

A HIGHLY incriminating photo featuring Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor apparently

SMALL BOY IN EMPEROR SHOCK

T HE Emperor of YankeeDoodleDandyLand was today called

REFORM POLITICIAN JAILED FOR RUSSIAN BRIBES

DAZZLED!

The joys of night driving Then Now

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

WELL, we knew it would come to this!

Pete Hegseth reveals new ‘Macho’ US mission names

Operation Southern Spear Operation Rough Rider Operation Midnight

The question everyone is asking: Why did Lord Mandelson urinate in the street?

1. So that, if only for one or

CONSPIRACY UPDATE EPSTEIN FILES SPECIAL

THE news that the U.S. Congress and Senate

A Tank Driver Writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ “ALRIGHT, mate?

PIDDLING PEE-TERTM

GARDENERS! join the Notting Hill set with the…

BILL GATES EPSTEIN FILES LATEST

ARE YOU RICH?

Take the TIMES wealth survey How many newspapers

THE KING OF TROUBLES

A short story special

HEAD OF GOOGLE, SUNDAR PICHAI, SAYS ‘DON’T TRUST AI’

In other news Head of Google points out

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

How we thought AI would destroy us How

Is the AI bubble going to burst?

by Our Tech-Expert Al Gorithm THERE are concerns

WHY THE TELEGRAPH IS A PERFECT FIT FOR THE DAILY MAIL

THE purchase of the broadsheet national newspaper by

Andy Capp-In-Ring

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FINDS THAT NEANDERTHALS AND HUMANS KISSED EACH OTHER

TRUMP PREPARES FOR THANKSGIVING

TRUMP WELCOMES BIN SALMAN

WARNING FROM TICKETING SITES OVER NEW RULES

MAJOR ticketing sites, such as Viagogo, Stubhub and

Government in ticket touts ban

The government is to announce a crackdown on

LinkedIn China fears

MI5 has warned MPs and civil servants that

Streeting dismayed as doctors go back to work

THERE was dismay today from the Health Secretary

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam James Watson, scientist and co-discoverer of

DIARY

Televison these days? Not terribly interesting, frankly. It’s

Winterson wonderland

One Aladdin Two Lamps Jeanette Winterson (Jonathan Cape,

Batsman returns

Coming Home Freddie Flintoff (Blink Publishing, £22) Y

Tony award

(Simon & Schuster, £25) H ERE comes Sir

Pseud Corner

A bespoke Rose Uniacke Camel Shawl in Golden

BOOKS & BOOKMEN: PRIZE SPECIAL

n THE 2025 Booker prize turned the clock

Private Eye

“These high-rise apartments have ruined the neighbourhood” Professor

Pound of flesh

IT’s 17 years since the Home Office decided

Fighter talk

RUSSIA exhibited the warplanes, helicopters and missiles it

Anti-flak measures

NO WONDER London’s biennial DSEI arms fair excluded

Gas cop-out

METHANE leaks were again on the agenda at

A proven lawyer...

A SOLICITOR who bought up hundreds of cheap freeholds

Prescription error

CURALEAF is one of the world’s biggest private

Cover blown

A WHISTLEBLOWER letter seen by the Eye will

Degrees of danger

AT THE height of the #MeToo movement in

False flagging

THE Independent Commission on UK Counter-Terrorism recently found

Crack bots

DESPITE evidence that use of AI cheating by

Swine bouquet

VILLAGERS in Stow Bedon, Norfolk, are being plagued

Cavity smirch

BACK in March, the Eye reported that the

In the money

Oil swill A NNOUNCING the latest sanctions against

BULL MARKET

A new column devoted to the delights of

Private Eye

Merger on the dance floor

THE LAST LAUGH…

“I knew the old buggy would come in

Private Eye