LOVE STRUCK

“The first thing I remember after being punched in the mouth was my front tooth snapping and hitting the back of my throat,” recalls Danny, 22. “Then, once I’d fallen to the floor, I felt his shoe kicking my ribs over and over again. I don’t know how long it lasted as my body seemed to go numb. But I remember he finished it off with a boot to the left side of my head that burst my ear drum.”

More than 5,000 gay men are the victims of homophobic attacks each year in the UK. But what if the person who assaults you is your own boyfriend? You’d leave him straight away, wouldn’t you? Well, half of gay men abused by their partners don’t. And most don’t think domestic abuse exists between men. Danny was one of them.

“We got together when I was 18 and recently ‘out’, and he was 25,” he tells us. “He was the sweetest, kindest guy and I liked the fact he was a bit older and more experienced than me. I moved in with him after a couple of months, but it was only then when I noticed he drank quite a bit. And if he had too much, he’d turn into a completely different person and would argue over silly things. He’d get really obsessive over where I was going if it wasn’t with him. And I’d let him read my emails and texts to reassure him I wasn’t seeing someone else. But he never trusted me.

“He was under a lot of pressure at work, which stressed him out, so he said he drank to chill him out. But it had the opposite effect. Over the next few months it got worse, and then, during a silly row about where to eat one night, he shoved me onto the floor. He apologised and I glossed over it. But a few days later, we got into a huge row about his drinking and he punched me in the face. It floored me, and when I was on the ground he started kicking me in the stomach and the head.”

According to a survey by LGBT Youth Scotland, one in four gay men will experience domestic violence. But just 37% of those only realised afterwards it was abuse. More than 30% of those who’d been abused had gone on to self-harm. And more worryingly, 20% had tried to kill themselves as a result.

According to Maria Sookias, LGBT Domestic Abuse Forum Coordinator for Stonewall Housing, many people don’t leave abusive relationships when it first begins. “They stay because they hope it’s going to succeed,” she explains. “But the person they fall in love with might not be the person they see before them. Some victims have a supportive family or someone they can talk to, to offer support and maybe a place to go to. But many of our clients don’t, so that lack of support and having nowhere to go puts them at risk. There’s a huge lack of emergency accommodation.”

Stonewall Housing’s advisors offer help to those who want to escape an abusive home and for those clients who want to stay, but consider their options.

“A lot of the contact we have with them comes through our advice line,” adds Maria. “A quarter of our clients experience domestic violence, which is quite a high number. We deal with more than 1,200 people per year. And that abuse can also come from direct or extended family members.”

But what constitutes an abusive relationship? It’s not, as you might assume, just physical violence. It can include mental abuse such as constant put-downs, threats to ‘out’ you, being extremely possessive or jealous, stopping you from seeing your friends or family, and even being forced into a heterosexual marriage by family members. The Government defines domestic abuse as: ‘Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners, family members, regardless of gender or sexuality.’

A survey by Sigma Research reveals half of those affected by abuse were physically hurt, while the other half suffered emotionally. And the average amount of time a victim remains in a relationship after the first incident is 18 months.

For Danny, it took three more months before he wised up. “I was mortified and embarrassed, and I didn’t know what to do after he beat me up,” he admits. “I went to stay at my mum’s house and told her I’d been mugged. I couldn’t tell her the truth or she and my brothers would’ve killed him and – despite what he did – I felt like I had to protect him. ‘It wasn’t his fault’, I thought, ‘I must’ve provoked him.’ He told me this kind of thing often happens in gay relationships because sometimes there’s too much testosterone in the house. I believed him, because I thought it was only women who were abused, not men.

“My boyfriend was so sorry for what he did and, eventually, I agreed to move back in. I was wary and he was on his best behaviour. But a month or so later at a bar, I was chatting to a guy I went to college with and I could see my boyfriend was getting funny about it. I tried to calm him down and he seemed OK, but later that night he followed the guy into the toilet and glassed him, for no reason other than he knew me. It was horrific.”

It’s an all-too-common story for Broken Rainbow, Britain’s only national domestic violence helpline manned by LGBT-friendly staff.

“In the heterosexual community, domestic abuse is widely known about,” explains Jackie Fernandez, the organisation’s CEO. “We know there’s just as many – if not more – victims in same-sex relationships. But most people don’t recognise domestic violence and abuse exists between gay couples. The figure could even be higher because there are more ways to abuse a partner, like threatening to out them to their friends, family or even their children.
“Even those in an abusive relationship often don’t realise that’s what they’re in. Some men will tell us, ‘My partner’s not really abusing me but we sometimes have rough sex and it gets out of hand, but that’s what happens in gay relationships.’ It’s not. And a lot of people confuse rape with a sexual pattern. Our community doesn’t recognise domestic abuse as a serious issue.”

There are more than 500 refuges for women across the country but, shockingly, there are no immediate access refuges for gay men.

“There are a few housing association and hostel type accommodations, but there’s usually a waiting list or interview process,” adds Jackie. “So if you need to get out because your life’s in danger, you’ll have to go to a friend or family member’s house, or to the police.”
It was too late for John Edwards to get help. In May 2010, his civil partner Michael Edwards, 32, was convicted of Britain’s first-ever domestic violence murder within a gay marriage. He knifed John, 35, in the heart days after their second wedding anniversary following an argument over a heating bill. Friends had described them as a ‘lovely couple’ but their stormy marriage was blighted by domestic violence. Michael had regularly beaten up or tried to strangle John during ‘stress’ fuelled rages. He was jailed for 13 years.

Michael was in the average age bracket for those willing to discuss domestic abuse. “The common age group in which men are more confident about seeking help when they’re in trouble is 35-44,” reveals Jackie. “Your first same-sex relationship is a high risk factor – you’re more likely to be abused, and especially if you’re under 35, too. Sometimes we come out later and don’t know how to be gay, and the person we depend on is our partner.”
Abusers often manipulate victims so they feel they’re to blame for the abuse. Barking and Dagenham Primary Care Trust’s Domestic Violence paper explains: “Sometimes same-sex abusers will try to tell their partners that ‘this is how it is in a gay relationship. They often promise to change their behaviour and the hope for that positive change can keep a victim from identifying the pattern of abuse in the relationship.”

But it’s not just victims of abuse who can find help. For eight years, Respect has run an advice helpline to help domestic violence perpetrators stop their violence and change their behaviour.

“We speak to gay men and we find that the reasons they abuse their male partners are the same as the reasons heterosexual men abuse their female partners,” a spokesman tells us. “It can include a sense of entitlement over them, power and control, use of violence and abuse in a systematic and instrumental way to impose power over their partners. The patterns are pretty much the same and the reports we have from gay male victims are evidence of this.”

After his friend was attacked, Danny admits he wishes he’d have got help while in the relationship, or encouraged his boyfriend to.

“The poor man’s head was pouring with blood and he needed 27 stitches,” recalls Danny. “The police were called and my boyfriend was arrested. In court, he pleaded guilty to wounding with intent and was sent to prison for ten months. I haven’t seen him since that night.

“I regret not leaving the relationship as soon as the violence started – but I was more regretful that that poor guy had to suffer because I was too na?ve to have left my boyfriend or called the police the first time. Abusers don’t realise the damage they cause can stay with the victims for a lifetime.”

SUB: Where to get help

Stonewall Housing Helpline
Provides supported housing and advice for LBGT people.
020 7359 5767
stonewallhousing.org/home.html
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Broken Rainbow
National domestic helpline for anyone affected by domestic violence.
0300 999 5428 or email help@broken-rainbow.org.uk
brokenrainbow.org.uk
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Galop
Provides info, advice, practical support to Londoners.
0207 704 2040
galop.org.uk
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Respect
For people who are abusive to their partners and want to stop.
0808 802 4040
respect.uk.net
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Survivors UK 
National organisation providing info, support and counselling for men who’ve been raped or sexually abused.