You won’t see it splashed across social media but, behind every closed door, everyone you know is dealing with issues arising from diicult family relationships. From the sibling who always has to outdo you, to that disrespectful teenager who shouts and swears, or the parent who can shatter your self-esteem with one misplaced remark, there are few of us who don’t have at least one relationship that could be improved. But family ties are strong, so we keep circling back to the people who share our DNA. Little wonder, really. We all want to get on well with our families, and not doing so is detrimental to our mental health. A recent study* found a link between depression in women and their relationships with their siblings and mothers. Even as adults, these dynamics have the power to derail our health and happiness. You don’t have to be Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, to know that families are messy and relationships with loved ones can be painful – but that needn’t mean you’re consigned to a lifetime of either avoiding your relatives or enduring awkward encounters that leave you feeling hurt and disappointed. There are common mistakes that many of us make around family. These simple changes could make relating to your nearest and not-sodearest easier and far more satisfying.
1 YOU TRY TO CHANGE OTHERS
It may seem obvious that your relationship with your sister would be better if she wasn’t so stubborn, and that your teenage daughter should be less volatile, but the first step to improving relationships with your relatives is to accept that you can’t change them. You can, however, change yourself. ‘The idea that you can control other people’s behaviour is hardwired into how you engage with others, but accepting that you can’t change people is key to more enriching relationships,’ says Rachel Kelly, a mental health campaigner and author of Singing In The Rain (Short Books, £12.99). What’s powerful about accepting the futility of trying to change others is the rediscovery of the immense power you have to change yourself. ‘It’s easy to forget your own agency and to become passive or victim-like, but giving yourself a sense of empowerment in how you relate to others is a powerful mindset shift.’