Under the microscope
Author and lecturer James McCreet puts a reader’s first 300 words under the critical lens
1 A bold start using imperative address. It grabs the reader’s attention even though – and partially because – we don’t know who’s talking. The lack of speech marks suggests that it’s the author. Alas, the comma is impossible here. Try a full stop.
2 I like the repetition of ‘tell’. It emphasises the imperative voice and adds a layer of specificity.
3This additional detail sets up the scenario. It’s a deal. But who are the two people? Why does one want to know about the other, and why is reciprocity necessary? We must read on. It’s a good hook.
4 Is it really such a simple request? The brief is so wide and vague that answering such a question would be tricky for many people.
5 Okay, so now we know who one of the people is. But we need to read on to learn more (and why he refused).
6 The use of first person here raises some questions. The initial sentences were in a different voice and were apparently not speech. Now the narrative perspective switches to first person (and continues in it). The imperative voice that was so striking now seems anomalous in comparison – and less bold. It would make more sense and be less jarring as speech (with quote marks). Also, the fact that he’s made his request throws into doubt who was speaking in the first lines.