First it was Covid, then the chip crisis, but as you’re about to learn, the wurst is yet to come. Our very own carvoyant James Attwood takes a sideways look into the skies and forecasts the automotive events of 2022

If this year’s shortage of chips wasn’t bad enough, just imagine what sausages being off the menu will do for morale

JANUARY

• The global shortage of semiconductor chips continues to hamper production of electronic goods and therefore also sales of new cars. TVR announces it’s pausing production of the Griffith until the crisis eases, until somebody points out you actually have to start production before you can pause it.

• In a bid to curry favour, new German chancellor Olaf Scholz reignites an overblown media storm from 2021 by criticising Volkswagen’s decision to remove currywurst from the main restaurant in its Wolfsburg factory. “You do know it’s only one restaurant, which only sold currywurst once a week anyway, don’t you?” sighs Volkswagen’s chief sausage officer.

What’s that pleasant Musk? Sausage from space, apparently

Ingenlath leads yoga class at gluten-free EV unveiling

FEBRUARY

• Seeing an opportunity to get one over VW and woo workers at his new Berlin factory, Tesla boss Elon Musk announces plans to introduce his own brand of currywurst. This new sausage is a radical reinvention called the cyberwurst, which is hexagonal in shape. Meanwhile, the currywurst sauce has been removed, with the sausage now made from space dust gathered by a SpaceX rocket and served on a massive 20in touchscreen. “It will be ready to launch in March,” claims Musk.

• Polestar announces plans to make its cars even more sustainable. As well as featuring vegan interiors, all models will be entirely gluten-free. Company boss Thomas Ingenlath denies the move is just to cash in on trendy eating fads. “It’s really important that we really consider the impact that gluten usage in the car industry has,” he says. “From now on, we won’t use a single piece of pasta in the production of any Polestar.”