Private Eye

POSTAL DELAYS

IT WAS no surprise that the man who

MASSAGE HOYLE

RELATIONS between Downing Street and Speaker’s House are

X CATHEDRA

ELON MUSK’s devotion to free speech has allowed

WATER TORTURE

LAST week’s National Audit Office (NAO) report on

WES WALLY?

IN November, Metro Online launched a

COURT CIRCULAR

PRINCE WILLIAM’s attendance at the Pope’s funeral wrecked

DASH FOR CRASH

“We have gone too far in regulating for

DIFFICULT TRANSITIONS…

THE Supreme Court’s clarification of the Equality Act

RICH PICKINGS

“LONDON drops down wealth list as super-rich move

SCOTT DISTRUST

LAST week the cast list for the celebrity

SPLIT DECISION

THE final issue of the Observer

TANGLED WEB

TWO days before the first edition of the

KISSING THE RING

AMID sadness there is always joy, and thus

PAPER TIGERS

“CHINA isn’t investing in Britain because it likes

PHONING IT IN

RING ring! A team from the Sunday

JACK KNIFE

HAVING overseen mass redundancies as managing editor of

EX-CONGRATULATIONS

MANY happy returns to the Daily Express ,

HACKWATCH MONEY FOR OLD POPE

Crowds of people “PEOPLE’S POPE.” “THE PEOPLE’S POPE.”

IPSO NOT FAC TO

RED faces at press regulator IPSO, which had

GOOD CLEAN FIGHT?

“ IF OUR political opponents want a fight

PERSONAL DISASTERS

A USEFUL tip for hacks from David Higgerson,

CONDEMNED SITE

SO. FAREWELL then Mail Online. While former

PRIVATE EYE

PAUL FOOT AWARD 2025 PRIVATE EYE

CONNECT FLAW

WORK and pensions secretary Liz Kendall says her

BETTER OUT THAN IN?

AS A shadow minister, Rachel Reeves said Labour

CALLED TO ORDURE

FOREIGN Office minister Stephen Doughty was at the

KANE’S SUGAR

LABOUR MP and aviation minister Mike Kane is

SOLAR FLARE-UP

AFTER Labour announced its plan to put solar

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

PART of the EU’s response to the US

DUEL, CITIZENS!

BAFFLING official advice and unusable travel forms have

RAMI-FICATIONS

WHY do the Conservatives want Lord (Rami) Ranger

HOUSING NEWS

A COMBINATION of rising rents, higher borrowing costs

US-EYE

THE Democrats have a problem: Elizabeth Warren’s laugh.

MONUMENTAL ERROR?

THE government is pushing on with its bill

Private Eye

“If Sudan isn’t edgy enough for you, might

LOCAL ELECTION SPECIAL

IT’s 19 years since David Cameron described Ukip

TAXING TIMES

NEARLY a decade after a court case established

MEDICINE BALLS

Cataract cash THE NHS Counter Fraud Authority (NHS

TURD OF THE WEEK

“No, he’s not on – he’s

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE…

CONSUMER trust in water companies is at an

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

VEHEMENT campaigning for and against the government’s proposal

SIGNAL FAILURES

Big-ticket items

ROAD RAGE

Call of duty

The Agri Brigade

N ATIONAL Farmers’ Union (NFU) president Tom Bradshaw

EYE TV

The funeral of Pope Francis (BBC/ Sky News/GB News/CNN)

KERBER'S PEOPLE

MEDIA NEWS

“Aunty semites!” BBC bosses are tormenting staff

BRUM CHEEK

“ WE ARE defined by a Great British

AD NAUSEAM

ADLAND has always seen regulation as more of

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

THE Performing Right Society, aka PRS for Music,

MALGORITHMS

Independent: A man wielding an axe wounds 3

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

“I fear the influencers have got to him”

A-EYE

AI AND defence company Palantir, owned by cuddly

THE SECOND SETS

ONE of sport’s most enduring sexist traditions will

POP EYE

BACK in 2022, Netflix put out eight episodes

Letter from Kinshasa

from Our Own Correspondent

BHUTAN WATCH

S QUEEZED between India and Tibet, the tiny

Postcard from Taipei

S OMETIMES, stopping at a sushi restaurant when

NOOKS and CORNERS

WHAT now for the charred remains of Hangar

PARKS & RECREATION

WHEN word spread that a 500-year-old oak tree

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Target practice Sir, Having

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “People have often told me

Sir Keir Starmer MP

What is the protocol for the election of a new Pope?

1 The editor sees on social media that

FUNERAL FASHION FAUX-PAS

Oh no! We’re wearing the same frock!

STARMER IN VATICAN CONFUSION

Just what I need – the whole place

What did Trump actually say to Zelensky at Pope’s funeral?

IT WAS the historic moment that could change

Who will be the new Pope?

You decide on who should occupy the papal throne as supreme pontiff now that Pope Francis has passed away and returned to the House of the Father

LABOUR WARNS UNIONS OVER PAY DEMANDS

THE government last night spelled out in no

RUNCORN AND HELSBY BY-ELECTION LATEST

Anyone else keep hearing dog whistles?

Nursery Times

SUPREME COURT JUDGEMENT ROCKS NURSERYLAND

FIRST ALL-WOMEN SPACE MISSION A TRIUMPH.

T h e first all-female crew (one cow)

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

WELL, here we go! The local elections are

Reform projected to do brilliantly in mayoral contests

IN SHOCKING news many of the people who

Trump vows to end conflict in one day

THE President of the United States has once

WHY DID BORIS DIE OUT?

MANY YEARS ago, in the middle of the

ONLINE TRANS DEBATE CANCELLATION LATEST

A SOCIAL media user was immediately cancelled today

ELON MUSK SHOCK

“Typical man! Every time Brian gets a new

IDF report details timeline of ‘the attack’

THE IDF justifies killing 15 unarmed relief workers

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Barry Hoban, legendary cyclist; Clodagh Rodgers,

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

POPE DIES AFTER VISIT FROM JD VANCE SPECIAL

VANCE AND POPE IMMIGRATION ROW

Is this the end for Gyles Brandreth?

THE death of Pope Francis has dealt a

Writes for the Eye on the Pope’s demise

WELL, well, well! Who’d have thought it? It

TRUMP AT POPE’S FUNERAL

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

This week I am very cross about the

British troops face ‘too high’ risk if sent to Ukraine

THE government has explained that the risks of

Trade deal with US ‘very near’

IN thrilling news, Donald Trump has said that

Just Stop Oil hold last event

THE campaign group Just Stop Oil held its

REEVES NEAR TO US TRADE DEAL

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam So. Farewell Then, Just Stop

Starmer rocked by Ashcroft book revelations

A NEW biography of the Prime Minister has

Harvard to be deported shock

THE president has signed an executive order which

TRUMP AND UKRAINE An Apology

FOR some time this paper has covered the

WHITE HOUSE REFUSES TO HELP WRONGLY DEPORTED MAN

WHITE House press secretary Karoline Leavehimtorot says the

Wall street slumps as Trump announces something idiotic

“It’s usually around this stage that his dad

Wall street rallies as Trump backs down on idiotic plans

Wall Street and stock markets around the globe

Wall street slumps once again as Trump announces even more idiotic plans

Wall Street and stock markets around the globe

PUTIN SINCERE ABOUT PEACE

THIS WEEK

Do you have a favourite spoon? During my

Race Across the World

It’s back! The new series of the exciting

AMOL RAJAN MEETS GARY LINEKER

PRINCE LOUIS’S TEETH – THE TRUTH

IT WAS a picture that shocked the world!

Lord Gove of Torry

Those titles he didn’t take...

A Goldfish writes

© A Goldfish IT is one of

DIARY

MONDAY : The people of South West Norfolk

Mobility issues

Underdogs: The Truth about Britain’s White Working Class

Death on the Vine

Murder on Line One Jeremy Vine (HarperCollins, £20)

BOOKS & BOOKMEN

READER OF MEN

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

Dickens the Enchanter Peter Conrad (Bloomsbury, £22)

GNOME CINEMA

THE poster for Sinners features dapper

Pseuds Corner

Gaga, more than any other contemporary pop star,

LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 20

Appeal court confusion LUCY LETBY was convicted

Vein hopes

NOBODY has sounded more committed to seeing compensation

Empire of grease

NO SOONER had Eye 1646 reported how a

Crane reaction

NEARLY half a decade after police and the

Security alert

WHEN the Eye pointed out that

Solent treatment

ISLE OF WIGHT residents who rely on ferries

Cop out

FRUSTRATION for the Investigatory Powers Tribunal (IPT), which

Wizard wheeze

UNOFFICIAL Harry Potter merchandise shops that have proliferated

Late review

B ETTER late than never the Financial Reporting

Holm truths

A PLANNING application for a new salmon farm is

Weston drama

GOVERNORS at Weston College in Somerset concealed millions

Steppe classes

MORE questions for Cardiff University over its Kazakhstan

Deferred gratification

THE Serious Farce Office (SFO) last week relaunched

THELAST LAUGH…

“I won’t tell you again, Mr Harris. Please go

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE PODCAST!

PAGE 94 Ep. 138 Beg borrow and