Self-reliance is a valuable attribute – but are you genuinely coping on your own or is there more going on?

Independence. It’s a positive concept, surely? Nations have fought long and hard to attain it, generations of feminists have campaigned for it and it’s a cornerstone of the disability rights agenda. In schools, it’s nurtured from an early age, through the likes of independent learning in the classroom and rites-of-passage residentials and summer camps offering a first experience of staying away from home. Teen bank accounts, black-box car insurance, gap-year opportunities, university loans – all have developed to cater to the modern regard for self-reliance and so-called standing on your own two feet.

Certainly, having the confidence to make personal decisions, pursue journeys and develop value systems promotes self-discovery and personal growth, which are positives in themselves. Independence also encourages an understanding of priorities and, with it, the realisation that personal needs, goals and wellbeing must be considered if stress is to be managed and energy to be present for yourself maintained. So, are there any instances where it might be problematic?

One step beyond

According to Mari Kovanen, a counselling psychologist based in Reigate, southeast England, when doing things for yourself isn’t just a preference but a necessity, there might be cause for concern. ‘Someone who feels they can only trust themselves to do things – whether it’s in their personal life or at work – will often respond to a challenge with: “I need to figure this out for myself,”’ she says. ‘There’s nothing wrong with that, but when it goes to the extreme of finding it difficult to ask for help, pushing yourself and blaming yourself if things aren’t working out, that’s hyper-independence.’