Butch blues
What it’s really like being gender non-conforming in the kink scene
BY LOIS SHEARING
“Shall we just go up to the playroom together?” the stranger in a two-piece lingerie set asks me. I look at them, in the smoking area of this popular queer play party and nod. We slip away, hand in hand, before the couple trying to unicorn-hunt us realises what’s happening.
When I first started exploring non-monogamous relationships and the kink scene, male/female couples attempting to “unicorn hunt” me (a slang term for recruiting a bisexual woman as a third) felt like it was just part of the territory. I hadn’t yet fully come out as non-binary and was still presenting in a pretty feminine way. This meant that for the first few years of my journey, I was treated as the “hot bi femme” by people in the scene.
This came with its own unique set of drawbacks, but also a few perks. I didn’t have much issue finding people interested in getting to know me, but often what I actually wanted was treated as an afterthought. In those early years, I was somewhat surprised to find that a lot of the general stereotypes around bi people – and queer people more generally – were still prevalent in non-monogamous and kink spaces. But I shouldn’t have been.