It’s easy to blame yourself or look inward when someone seems to take against you, but human behaviour is complicated and there are often unconscious belief patterns and challenging feelings on both sides. Here’s how to identify them and consider different perspectives

Human beings are social creatures, congregating in groups for work and leisure and, of course, in families, and tending to feel safest when in close community with others. As part of this social nature, it’s important to have a feeling of belonging somewhere, and of being liked and accepted within social groupings. Being disliked brings with it the risk of rejection and alienation, which feels threatening.

Yet in the modern, hyperconnected world, it’s common – and almost inevitable – that you’ll be disliked by some people and that you, in turn, will dislike others. It’s a normal human experience and often demonstrates the dynamics between people and various unmet expectations rather than the character or personality of the person who’s disliked. Sometimes, for example, people are in positions where they may have to make unpopular decisions that cause them to be disliked.

Modes of thinking

Most people experience challenging emotions when they notice that someone dislikes them. It can bring up a lot of anxiety – and often sits at the root of most social anxiety, which involves a fear of being judged, found wanting or held in contempt in some way. People might feel upset and worried, wondering what they did and how they can fix it. They might start second-guessing their actions (‘Was I too loud at the party?’), make generalisations about themselves (‘I’m unlikeable’) or experience anger towards the person concerned (‘How dare they dislike me?’ and ‘Don’t they know how nice I try to be?’). Some find the thought (and reality) of being disliked particularly challenging. If this applies to you, it can be an idea to work on both the cognitions and feelings that arise when you believe someone dislikes you. For example, you might hold unhelpful or unrealistic beliefs about your social role and expectations of yourself that make it difficult to tolerate discomfort, including the sting of rejection. Patterns of unhelpful thinking include: