Inherited opinions and values that are taken on without question can sometimes be damaging. Here’s how to move beyond them

ILLUSTRATIONS: KATHRIN LANG

‘Should I or shouldn’t I? Well, I could. I’d like to. No, I probably shouldn’t.’ Does your inner dialogue go a little like this sometimes? Are you aware of why you do or don’t take action or respond in a certain way to events? Where do feelings about things that should or shouldn’t be done, such as crying in public or speaking up, come from?

These shoulds are known in psychotherapy as introjects, which can be described as messages from loved ones, society and teachers that get swallowed whole and form a kind of subconscious code of conduct. Each person has a different set of introjects that begin to develop in infancy. They may stem from caregivers, family traditions and ways of being that you grew up with, or they may have a broader base in shared societal ideals and religious or cultural norms.

Conscious v unconscious

The father of Gestalt psychotherapy, German psychiatrist Fritz Perls, compared developing an awareness of how core beliefs form to when a baby cuts its first teeth. Its choices increase as it becomes able to test what goes into its mouth before it enters the body. The infant can chew over material then either swallow it or spit it out.

An introject, however, is an example of something a person takes on board without question, a value, attitude or trait from the environment that builds a rule book of internalised shoulds. This unconsciously absorbed belief system often becomes a heavy weight to bear, sometimes getting in the way of recognising how you might feel deep down.