Release the rescuer

When someone you know is unhappy or struggling, it can feel natural to offer your help. But if that means neglecting your own needs, it may be time to step back

Picture the scene: you’re halfway through the work day when a friend sends a long, gloomy text message about a recurring relationship problem. Heart pounding at the thought of their discomfort, you hurry out of the office to call them. You launch into a 20-minute advice session – something that’s become a regular occurrence over the past few months. When you get back to your desk, you feel proud to have been called upon for help once again, but there’s a conflicting feeling there too: a low-level exhaustion that leaves you drained for the rest of the day.

Sound familiar? You might unwittingly be playing the role of rescuer in your relationships by being the person whose sense of self depends on helping those around you. Of course, it makes sense that you have an in-built desire to support your nearest and dearest – they’re important to you and you want them to be happy. But what if constantly stepping in to save the day is tipping your relationships out of balance, leaving you with an empty cup when it comes to taking care of yourself?

Illusion of safety

If you recognise yourself as a rescuer, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Sarah, 41, from Buckinghamshire in England, became aware of her rescuing tendencies in her 30s. She wonders now if she was following an example that had always been set for her. ‘I never saw my parents ask for help or say they’d messed up, and I never questioned if there might be a more emotional, vulnerable version of being an adult available,’ she explains. ‘My dad was a teacher and that’s how my mum sometimes explained his rescuer behaviours. I’ve become a teacher too, and I love it, but I do worry that the authority and position of responsibility I rightly have with my students gets transferred too easily to my relationships with functioning adults.’