■ Campbell, from The Village, was partaking of a few drams at the BA Club on Saturday. When he got home, ‘she who must be obeyed’ was waiting – complete with speech. ‘It would suit you better if you’d get out there in the garden and cut the grass!’ said she. Undaunted, Campbell gets on the gardening gear and goes into the shed for the electric cables and spider boxes for his plug-in-and-drive mower. Out into the garden, switches on, with the first swathe just waiting to be cut. The motor’s running, the apparatus is moving forward, but the grass remains as long as before, with Campbell scratching his head at this lack of productivity. The back door opens, and out comes Campbell’s spouse. ‘In the name of the wee man,’ she shouts, ‘what are you trying to do with my Hoover’?
■ Gus from Blarmafoldach was telling me the other day of the terrible wrestling he had with his conscience when he came upon the notice posted beside the excavations in Ainslie Lane – or Boni’s Lane, if you prefer the 20th-century version – off the High Street. It read ‘Pedestrians Only’. But, as Gus wasn’t wearing his specs he made it out to say ‘Presbyterians Only’. He shouted across to Mrs MacLeod who was coming out of Kennedy’s shop. ‘Here, is it all right for me to get across the street, with this notice saying Presbyterians Only?’ Mrs Mac took one look at Gus, and another at the notice. ‘Away back up to Blarmafoldach,’ she rejoined, with a look to the heavens, ‘and ask the missionary.’
■ Apple and grape salads have, apparently, taken over from fish and chips as the most popular dish in 350 school canteens in Derbyshire. The ‘healthy menus’ have been introduced there following a successful pilot scheme. Mind you, the salmon are so plentiful in Lochaber because of the number of fish farms, that fruit dishes might never get a look-in here. As one hotelier along the Road to the Isles, puts it: ‘I give my coach parties salmon or trout for lunch or dinner, but that’s because they’re cheaper than mince.’