Not everyone’s a natural caregiver – and that’s okay

Caregiving is a personal quality that’s almost universally lauded. During times of crisis, it’s something people learn to appreciate. Think of how frontline workers, especially medical staff working with Covid patients, were applauded at the start of the pandemic. Think of those caregivers, too, who rarely receive public acclaim, but deserve it nevertheless for choosing such a path – the foster parents who provide a safe harbour for traumatised kids, the faith leader or counsellor who offers balm in troubled times. In your own life, you probably know a few people who radiate care – the friend who provides a shoulder for your tears, the family member who’s reliable with hugs and tea, the colleague who remembers your birthday and goes the extra mile to buy you something heartfelt and personal.

Natural caregivers rarely receive public appreciation. In fact, they’re often taken for granted. Perhaps this is because the quality of caregiving is something many people feel they ought to have. Agreeableness is one of the generally accepted ‘big five’ basic personality traits, and is seen to manifest as altruism, kindness and care. At the other end of the scale is disagreeableness, manifesting in socially unpleasant behaviour. I know which end of the scale I’d rather be on.

False equation

However, there’s an assumption that travels alongside the agreeableness trait, and it’s this: if you’re a decent human being, you must be a natural caregiver. And if you’re not one, then you must be uncaring, selfish and a nasty piece of work. That equation isn’t true. Yet it’s embedded so deep that it can propel people to exhibit inauthentic behaviour. If you play the part of an others-focused soul because you believe you ought to be one, you’re likely to find it exhausting and could even burn out. On the other hand, being honest about your limits and abilities, while acknowledging there are many ways to be an agreeable person, can be liberating.