Having guests to stay isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but with honesty, openness and consideration of expectations and boundaries, it’s often an experience that bears repeating

The flurry of hugs, handshakes, waves and air-blown kisses finally over, the front door closes. The living space has shifted. The guests have gone. So, how was it? Really? Delightful, tolerable or is the air turning blue as a litany of errors is finally given full vent and dissected at great length? The truth is that, while having friends and family to stay can be wonderful, providing a welcome break from the routine, the chance to visit new places and an opportunity to enhance relationships, it’s not without its pitfalls. Many’s the host left baffled by a friend’s timekeeping (‘Lunch is generally before 8pm, isn’t it?’), and it’s no fun being a guest in a home where a virtual sign stating ‘any breakages will cause maximum distress and unspeakable awkwardness’ hangs above every vase, painting and ornament.

It’s not so surprising, really. Everyone has their own way of doing things, their own house rules and their own ideas as to what constitutes acceptable behaviour in someone else’s home. There might be differing opinions as to whether a TV is kept on in the background. Different standards of cleanliness might become evident in a shared bathroom. And what about the washing-up, and chores generally? Is the ideal houseguest someone who helps to load the dishwasher, brings ideas (and ingredients) for a couple of meals or lets the host do it all, given they know their way around their own kitchen?

This is to say nothing of the challenges that a longer spell of communal living evokes for anyone who’s introverted and struggles to be constantly ‘on’ for days on end, or for peoplepleasing hosts who decline offers of help, only to end up exhausted meeting others’ needs 24/7. Debora Robertson, co-author with Kay Plunkett-Hogge of Manners: A Modern Field Guide, recently moved to a coastal area of France and explains how she’s since ‘morphed into a kind of seaside landlady’ for friends visiting from the UK. The combination leaves her well-placed to explore the subject of communal living and what constitutes manners, described as ‘codified kindness’ in her book.