In summary
Read James McCreet’s suggested rewrite of this extract CLICK HERE
The scene itself has promise. Here’s a character waking up after an unusual and potentially hazardous lucid dreaming event. She seems to be on a perilous path. The problem is the execution.
The most important issue is the imprecision of the language, which alludes to what’s happening without specifically describing it in a way we can visualise or empathise with. We need to know what Harmony looks like and what she feels as she has this unnerving experience. Sure, we get the gist, but we do so despite the language rather than because of it. She’s gulping but she’s sipping. She can wake herself... but what if she can’t wake herself?