Private Eye

BOUNCE-BACK GROAN

IN HER budget speech, chancellor Rachel Reeves was

A THRIFT EXIT…

BEYOND the council tax surcharge (£2,500 on property

NUMBER CRUNCHING

24,000 Kent and East Sussex homes without water

WISE AI GUY

WHO better to take charge of a new

LEARNING BY POST

AS HE contemplates curtailing jury trials, justice secretary

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

A SLIGHT change to our schedules as we

CHURCH NEWS

WHEN former school chaplain and vicar David Tudor

CAMBRIDGE KOWTOW

DESPITE Beijing’s continuing brutalisation of Uyghurs, support for

AI AND THE EYE, PT 2

MORE surprising revelations about our own organ courtesy

COURT CIRCULAR

WITH the public accounts committee investigating the Crown

US-EYE

THE White House has nicknamed them the “Seditious

HOW JOURNALISM WORKS IN 2025

10 November: Just days after The Celebrity Traitors

GUARDIAN GRINCHES

“NEVER work for a liberal newspaper, they’ll sack

FOOD RATIONING

AS THE Observer withdraws behind its promised online

NGO AHEAD

TORTOISE media, which took over the Observer in

HEIRS & GRACES

“I AM alarmed that tonight the BBC will,

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£50,000 Amount Viscountess Claudia Rothermere received for ‘office

PANTS ON FIRE!

“The key ingredient of any civilisation is trust…

HOLDEN HIS OWN …

WHEN Gabriel Millard-Clothier joined the Mail on Sunday

SPECTACULARLY WRONG

THE Spectator was forced to publish an embarrassing

INDY AFTERLIFE

SO. Farewell then Andreas Whittam Smith, who has

NEW CARR SELL

EXCITING news in the Sun ’s Bizarre column,

SHAMELESS CLICKS

“WE have received more than 10 Ipso complaints

OVERSTEPPING THE MARKLE...

“ANY suggestion we have ‘puppeteered’ Mr Markle is

TIDINGS OF JOY

BACK in February, with the Telegraph ’s opinion

CORPORATE CONDOLENCES

SAD news on the morning of 26 November,

Private Eye

Word of the Year: Bait Rage Miss Universe

MAGIC NUMBERS

“HIS Majesty’s Revenue and Customs and the Fair

HOUSING NEWS

AS Labour MPs celebrated Rachel Reeves’ budget decision

NUMBER CRUNCHING

13 Individuals arrested within five days for suspected

NUMBER CRUNCHING

‘This is a budget for Benefit Street, Madam

HOTEL RESERVATIONS

BAD news for home secretary Shabana Mahmood as

ADOPTED POSITION

CHILDREN’s minister Josh MacAlister has garnered much praise

REFORM CLUB

“REFORM UK’s ‘Britannia card’ idea looks more like

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£500,000 Donation by US-based George Soros to an

CALLED TO ORDURE

COMMITTEE witnesses usually exude a wariness, supplicants before

CONTRACT LENS

BEFORE last year’s general election, consultancy firm Public

Private Eye

by Grizelda

POSTERS FOR SALE

SQUEAKY-BUM time for those behind the influential social-media

ARCHBISHOP OF CANT

THE Travellers Club is an exclusive gentlemen’s club

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

THE relationship between EU institutions and the College

Private Eye

“This could get confusing” “This is great! The

WHITE FRIGHT

RIGHT-WING activist Lucy White’s recent demand on social

MEDICINE BALLS

Prostate poser PROSTATE cancer is the commonest cancer

STONE THROWN?

TURMOIL in Northamptonshire with police, fire and crime

LOW FLIGHTS

CRUEL council bosses at Bristol planned to fly

TENANTS’ EXTRAS

LAVISH spending and lax governance in Lambeth where

BINGLE MINGLING

NOTORIOUS among PR practitioners for boozy lunches and

SIGNAL FAILURES

Capital slight

The Agri Brigade

G IVEN how loudly and often farmers complain

ROAD RAGE

Duty calls

Civilisations: Rise and Fall (BBC2) Prisoner 951 / Prisoner 951: The Hostages’ Story (BBC1)

S INCE the BBC’s reputation and leadership crisis

Celeb YES, HE’S BACK!

MEDIA NEWS

THE BBC’s festive season launch in London’s West

DUMB BRITAIN

The Chase, ITV Bradley Walsh: The Cotswolds is

BLACK AND WHITE TV

TALKTV was taking no prisoners when asked to

FREEBIE JEEBIES

WILL the uproar that surrounded October’s ill-fated Riyadh

Brand-extension failures

Marks & Spencer bondage kit

AD NAUSEAM

“It’s an advert calendar” IT’s a very merry

OUT OF ARM’S WAY

ARSENAL FC has finally ended its “Visit Rwanda”

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

ANYONE looking for a helpful definition of “ragebait”,

GROK OF SHIT

GROK continues to demonstrate a slavish devotion to

A-EYE

THE latest text-to-image AI model from Google, Nano

CULTURE BORES

GNOME CINEMA

IT MAY have taken the best part of

Letter from Bishkek

from Our Own Correspondent

IRAN WATCH

P HOTOGRAPHS published last month showing w omen strolling

Postcard from Istanbul

CHRISTMAS is coming, and in Istanbul’s Fatih district

NOOKS and CORNERS

ISAMBARD Kingdom Brunel’s Box Tunnel in Wiltshire (

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Cowardly line Sir, The brave cover

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

A STUDY for Bristol city council earlier this

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “I was surfing at Steamer

Early complaint over Christmas repeats

THE release of the Christmas schedules has prompted

DEMENTIA CAMPAIGN

WE at the Doolally Mail are doing everything

UK UNDER FIRE

FOLLOWING the decision by Eurovision that Israel would

DEFENCE SECRETARY ECHOES NELSON AS HE ANNOUNCES NEW NAVAL STRATEGY

A Doctor Writes

© A doctor AS A doctor, I’m often

Private Eye

TV HIGHLIGHTS

I’m A Cricketer, Get Me Out For A Duck!

IS FARAGE STILL FUNNY?

Asks Alf Garnett

Notes&queries

Peppercorn

MYSTERY SURROUNDS HUGE PILE OF RUBBISH

IT IS THE enigma that has got the

Private Eye

Anger at scrapping of jury trials

People across the country yesterday expressed outrage at

New housing solution proposed

ARE YOU suffering from a problem with your

WATER AID

School news

St Biscuits

OLD NEW CAROLS

The Holly and the Mini, They knocked a

‘Rage bait’ declared Word of Year

It was with my usual restrained and slightly

New word enters dictionary

There is always one word that enters popular

CHAOS AS YOUR PARTY TRIES TO ORGANISE CHRISTMAS PARTY

HAVING agreed on their party’s name, the left-wing

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

THIS week is a particularly sad one for

KEMI BADENOCH An Apology

IN COMMON with all other publications, we may

POLITICIANS STUNNED THAT POLITICIANS LIE TO THE PUBLIC

CONSERVATIVE politicians have called for the resignation of

Private Eye

HEGSETH SPREADS FESTIVE CHEER

If you see three ships come sailing in,

SCROOGE REACTS TO BUDGET

DISTINGUISHED businessman and entrepreneur Ebenezer Scrooge has vowed

Budget leak shock

IN AN appalling lapse of judgement, the long-held

Reeves chess: a real scandal, definitely

THE news that Rachel Reeves described herself as

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

The columnist who thinks Franklin the Turtle should be given a presidential pardon

US IMMIGRATION SHOCK

COMPROMISE ON UKRAINE

SALISBURY POISONING REPORT CONCLUDES PUTIN APPROVED TERROR OPERATION

ON OTHER PAGES: ■ Government report concludes that

BELEAGURED LEADER SEEKS HELP

SLEEPY DON DENIES NAPPING

TRUMP HAILS ZELENSKY

DONALD Trump has expressed new-found respect and admiration

A Tank Driver writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Richard Darbyshire, Gary ‘Mani’ Mounfield and

ROYALS HOST BANQUET FOR GERMAN PRESIDENT

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

The Sun SAYS

IT’S TAKEN 13 years and £88m for the

Farage claims under the spotlight

NIGEL Farage is under investigation over erroneous claims

MAN DRIVES CAR

by Our Formula 1 Correspondent in Abu Dhabi

OZ SAYS NO TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Friday, Once-upon-a-time T HE Land of Oz has

ACCIDENTAL RELEASES ROCK NURSERYLAND

A LARMED citizens woke up today to find

What are the Dimblebys for?

Who elected them? Why are they here? What

THE BBC IN THE 1970s – AN APOLOGY

THIS newspaper has always stuck up for the

POETRY CORNER

“What’s that, Skippy? Little Timmy has accessed TikTok

Waterstones boss willing to sell books written by artificial intelligence

THOSE BOOKS IN FULL: n The AI-neid n

DIARY

BREATHY VOICE-OVER : Ancient Egypt. The Roman Empire.

Private Eye

“What’s my character’s backstory, his motivation?” “10, 9,

Literary Review

Bored games The School of Night Karl Ove

Books & Bookmen

n IN speculation about “the Christmas No 1”

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

William Golding: The Faber Letters Edited by Tim

Pseuds Corner

Usually [I put out the bins] last thing

Private Eye

“I’m here from the council to address your

Uncle Sam’s spying spree

FEW men have served the current US president

Panic station

THESE are tricky times at tree-burning electricity generator

What a lotto nonsense!

MEDIA mogul Richard “Dirty” Desmond’s attempt to sue

Tipping point

A GUARDIAN for the River Cherwell says the enormous

Parched Roots

PRIVATE allotments company Roots had no sooner celebrated

Tales of the riverbank

THE small community of houseboats downstream of London’s

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£230,000 Annual grant for 2026 from fish farming

Ozone player

SELF-STYLED “longevity doctor” Dr Mohammed Enayat’s advice on

Humber umbrage

HUMBERSIDE Police was so mired in misconduct allegations

Lying lows

VALERIE CULLIFORD was only 47 when a catastrophic

Final stretch?

AS THE Prison Service accidentally frees hundreds of

Balance of power

W YLDECREST Parks, owned by multi-millionaire tax exile

Blown off course

T HE departments of chemistry and geography at

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£3.50 Hourly wage paid to some workers at

Cash in chips

I F THE increasingly circular AI investment frenzy

Support systems

THE British government is certainly fuelling the AI

Low Binance

I T’s four and a half years since

BULL MARKET

A new column devoted to the delights of

NUMBER CRUNCHING

2% Average UK annual productivity growth pre-2008 financial

Frozen pleas

AUK-SANCTIONED oligarch might be expected to be able

THE LAST LAUGH…

“Sombre, Fosbury. I said to expect this to

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE PODCAST!

EPISODE 161 Unwise councils Rotten Boroughs correspondent Saba