Private Eye

MOMENT OF TRUTH

WITH the new “Hillsborough Law”, said Keir Starmer,

CASH POINTS

IF INVESTMENT announcements were real business, Britain’s productivity

DISTANT FRIEND

JEFFREY Epstein’s “best pal” Peter Mandelson might have

EYE PREDICTED A RIOT

A RECENT Guardian investigation into the

FARAGE REFUSES TO CONTRADICT TRUMP ON PARACETAMOL CLAIM

THE REMAINERS…

NIGEL FARAGE and his Reform UK treasurer (and

CHAINSAW MASSACRE

“The man with the chainsaw and the funny

NUMBER CRUNCHING

26 Years age gap between Ali G actor

REVIEWING POINT

A REVIEW into 44 neonatal deaths at Gloucestershire

COURT CIRCULAR

PRINCE HARRY’s big idea of demanding a meeting

US-EYE

IT WASN’T too hard to find a bar

ANDY AND FERGIE BANNED FROM ROYAL CHRISTMAS

LATE NEWS: XMAS DAY TABLE FOR TWO BOOKED

MARCH MADNESS

IKE and Tina. Liam and Noel. Jez and

LIFE HACK

ANNA MELTON, who owns her a PR company

EVERYMAN JACK

Meanwile, the Daily Mail has bagged

PALL DACRE

HUSH – is that an eldritch wailing from

KATH-22

A MONTH after all the votes were in,

LOSS LEADERS

CHAMPAGNE corks are popping at the Guardian

HOW JOURNALISM WORKS

WHEN former Apprentice contestant – and

TOXIC SCHLOCK

A GLOWING write-up in Michael Gove’s Spectator

MAC FLURRY

“ NOMINATED for top press awards, the

SHOCK BOMBSHELL!

“ HI ALL,” read a recent email to

PAPER CUTS

WITH profits at DMGT up a mere 87

MOUNT RESISTANCE

GRAVE concerns at the Oldie magazine,

SPINNING A WEBB

“ ROW erupts over £500k donation to

IF LUXE COULD KILL

IS A curse in operation at the

STALE LEFTOVERS

HE’S tried giving it away, he’s tried charging

NUMBER CR UNCHING

400 Redundancies at Manchester United which the Mirror

WAR NERVE

GOVERNMENT responses in the Commons suggest ministers are

Private Eye

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

THE government continues its purposeful retreat from the

CORE VALUES

THE government’s newly announced deal with US energy

POWER COMPLEX

ENERGY secretary Ed Miliband says there is “transformative

ULSTER ’S LUSTRE

THE sacking of Peter Mandelson is a setback

FAVOUR TOGETHER

LABOUR TOGETHER faces revived accusations that it used

Private Eye

Grizelda

COINCIDENCE CORNER

31 May: Tory MP Nick Timothy writes in

HARD-RIGHT TURN

TORY leader Kemi Badenoch tried to grab some

CALLED TO ORDURE

AMID the weeds of the Planning and Infrastructure

COP SHOP CHOP

THE argument against London mayor Sadiq Khan’s plan

PEER GROUP

BORIS JOHNSON’S baronial buddies are sticking together: Lord

PANEL NO-SHOW

AMONG the panellists of a fringe event held

TAKING THE RISE

“ ALL we hear from government [ie

Private Eye

“I’ve hooked him up to Chat GPT”

RUBBISH DEALS

G LASGOW’S finances stink, with a £1.6bn debt

GREEN LIGHT

S HEFFIELD Greens must be feeling off colour. The

ILL BEHAVIOUR

S HAME on blundering Somerset, threatening an innocent,

STAGE FRIGHT

A BSOLUTE scenes in Norwich, as the bumbling

Private Eye

READ THE ROOM

R OTTEN goings-on in Rottingdean, as the council

REFORM ROUND-UP

MOURNFUL members in Durham as Reform leader Andrew

THE LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 29

Dewi Evans unleashed TWO-PART documentary Lucy Letby –

Private Eye

SIGNAL FAILURES Runway train

GATWICK airport bosses displayed a touching faith in

ROAD RAGE Circuit breakers

JAGUAR Land Rover’s flooring by a cyberattack isn’t

The Agri Brigade

T ALKS regarding a potential new “agrifood deal”

The Hack (ITV)

L ISTINGS writers on the Times

Private Eye

SKY BLUES

ALL change at Sky News, where hacks on

CLUB SANDWICH

FOR football fans, last summer’s Club World Cup

AD NAUSEAM

TO CELEBRATE 70 years of commercial television, ITV

TURNER PRIZED

DONALD TRUMP’S infatuation with GB News’s Bev Turner

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

FURTHER evidence of the strong commitment to weeding

A-EYE

SCEPTICISM about the real-world benefits of generative AI

Private Eye

GNOME CINEMA

AFTER Top Gun: Maverick hit big,

Letter from Dhaka

from Our Own Correspondent O N 1

INDIA WATCH

O N 17 September European Commission president Ursula

Postcard from St Helena

W HAT do you do if you live

NOOKS and CORNERS

MINEHEAD’s former combined police station and magistrates court

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

Chucky Sarah letters@private-eye.co.uk Lookalike Sir,

KERBER'S PEOPLE

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

IT’S not unknown for the Musicians Union to

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “That was an unforgettable experience,”

PARTY CONFERENCES ADDRESS KEY ISSUE OF THE DAY

AS PARTY conference season is upon us, politicians

TONY BLAIR OFFERS TO RUN BRITAIN

FORMER prime minister Tony Blair has indicated his

UK AIRPORT LATEST

Has there been a cyber-attack or is this

AMAZON FRESH STORES TO CLOSE

Sad really – online home-delivery businesses are making

Comedian arrested at airport

CIVIL liberties groups were outraged yesterday, as one

Shocking scenes as golf hooligan ruins Ryder Cup

SPORTS fans around the world were appalled at

Andy Capp-in-Ring

This paper’s advice to Ed Miliband, whom we hate

It is only to be welcomed that Energy

NIGEL FARAGE ‘WILL BE PM TOMORROW’

IN an amazing poll conducted by The Pointless

Conservatives who introduced compulsory ID for voters outraged by compulsory ID system

IN AN extraordinary volte-face that surprised nobody, the

‘We’re a serious party now’ says Ed Davey on jet ski

Closing the Lib Dem conference in Bournemouth, Ed

THAT BRIDGET PHILLIPSON DEPUTY LEADER PITCH IN FULL

“I’m announcing my bid for Deputy Leader as

HOW THE DIGITAL ID WILL WORK

1 The police may ask you to

THE KING OF TROUBLES

THE STORY SO FAR: Charles and Camilla are relaxing after the State Visit of the 47th President of the United States…

Private Eye

“I say my man, who runs this park?”

Donald Trump releases Epstein files

FOLLOWING a disappointing reaction to the release of

The eyes' Controversial New Columnist

The columnist whose mother smoked 20 cigars a day while he was in the womb and it never did him any harm

What is the ‘Boriswave’

A A demographic surge in British primary school

TRUMP – ‘UKRAINE CAN WIN WAR’

There was joy in Kyiv today after President

Link between paracetamol and aut-horitarian-ism now proved

IN A dramatic breakthrough, experts in the pharmaceutical

THE VENEZUELAN SHIP IN A BOTTLE

New from the US comes the latest in ornamental Nauticalia

Private Eye

THOMAS Wrkes “…and then she called me DRACONIAN!

That Trump UN speech in full

“IT’S A GREAT HONOUR for you to hear

BRITAIN CELEBRATES!

MODERN NEWS CYCLE HOW information is transmitted

Sarah Vain

The similarities between Fergie and Meghan are so

Let’s Parlez Franglamericain!

Dans le traffic hold-up en route to le

Meghan Markle

The similarities between Fergie and Sarah Vine are

ISRAEL WARNS ʻDOING ANYTHING WILL LEAD TO MORE KILLINGʼ

ISRAEL has reacted furiously after Keir Starmer confirmed

The Labibi Doll

CONSUMERS are advised that there are numerous problems

REFORM ACCUSED OF USING DODGY FIGURES

Starmer donkeygate – statement latest

A PACK animal at the centre of Keir

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Dickie Bird, legendary Test Match umpire

Those reasons Disney agreed to put Jimmy Kimmel back on the air

1 $4bn being wiped off Disney’s value in

Adolescence wins big

FIFTEEN year-old British actor Owen Cooper has become

The Hack ITV

I don’t know why I’ve been asked to

TOP COMEDIAN SELLS OUT IN SAUDI ARABIA 2

Clickbait headlines from history

I’m an atomic scientist – I did this

Lulu tells the world about her struggle with alcohol

THOSE SINGLES IN FULL To Slur with Love

Avian lovers – HOWZAT for a Bird Table?! Yes, it’s the…

DIARY

What a fortnight! Busy-busy-busy! And, yes, all my

Carbon footprint

What We Can Know Ian McEwan (Jonathan Cape,

Pseuds Corner

Personally, however, I admire breasts that are rich

Copy cats

We’ll Prescribe You Another Cat Syou Ishida, translated

Books & Bookmen

n WHEN the 2025 Booker prize panel was

WRITERS CRAMPED

n CAN the Society of Authors (SoA) continue

VICTORIA TRAWLS

n LAST month the Daily Mail credited author

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

Paul Weller: Dancing Through the Fire: The Authorised

Calls of duty

FOR more than a decade, the phone numbers

Witness blocks

BLACKLISTED trade union activist Dave Smith is challenging

Money for nothing

YEARS of mismanagement and giveaways to a couple

Not so great Dane

READERS have shared some startling horror stories of

Up against the wall

EIGHT years after the Grenfell Tower fire, work

Waste of space?

THERE appears to be even less to the

SEND under

A N IMMINENT government white paper will seek

Home truths

NEXT month, an inquest will ask why a

Sorry figures

DESPITE having its own business school, offering postgraduate

A costly MIS step

SCHOOLS relying on IT provider Bromcom’s management information

NUMBER CRUNCHING

15 Years a Thames Water desalination plant has

Mansion cracks

PRIVATE Eye has identified the true owner of

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£1.9bn Suspected Covid loan fraud the government asked

PHSO useless

A FTER banging her head against the brick

Safety second

T HERE were sighs among academics and gambling

Gag reflex

C ARTER-FUCK has suffered a serious setback in

PRIVATE EYE

PAGE 94 EPISODE 156 It’s your party, cry

THELAST LAUGH…

“It’s just the tip of the iceberg”