Private Eye

GIVE & TECH

THERE were a handful of winners from Chancellor

POOR WITH RAYNOR

RACHEL REEVES’ target of slashing government running costs

ARCHBISH OF CANT

FORMER Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby chose an

PAID-UP MEMBER

NIGEL FARAGE claimed last week that Kemi Badenoch

FRAUD PREFECT

WHEN “working people are paying their taxes, while

TURKEY STAKES

FOLLOWING the arrest of Turkish opposition leader Ekrem

NERVES OF STEEL

THE UK’s steel industry is shaping up as

GRID MARKS

HOURS after the fire at an electrical substation

This Is Gavin Newsom

IN THE wake of Donald Trump’s second electoral

COURT CIRCULAR

THE palace, unlike Keir Starmer’s Downing Street, has

HARRY ACCUSED OF RACISM

MULLEN: IT’S OVER

A RARE moment of positivity in the scorched

DUMMY RUNNERS

WITH just weeks to go until the

CENSOR HUMOUR FAILURE

WHERE exactly does the Telegraph stand

ALLI OOPS!

IS THE Telegraph ’s Allison Pearson inviting

UNWISE GUY

THE rudderless and increasingly unhinged Telegraph is busy

EXPRESS AIRHEADS

“SKY NEWS suffers huge blunder as show

BLOOD SUCKERS

“THE murder of Shanann Watts and her

OH FOR LUXX SAKE!

“HELEN BROCKLEBANK, chief executive of Walpole, an

DIARY FREE

SO. FAREWELL then, Patrick Kidd, diary editor on

BIFOCAL SPECS

AS Donald Trump continues to tear apart the

HACKWATCH Extended Adolescence

WITH Netflix’s Adolescence pulling in more

Private Eye

“The rats are getting huge” “It’s made

BELL- WETHER

SENT out to defend £5bn in welfare cuts

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£500 Amount per year by which lower-income

SPAD LIEUTENANTS

WITH Keir Starmer’s director of communications Matthew Doyle

CALLED TO ORDURE

THERE are two obvious positions on China. One,

ALEXANDER TECHNIQUE

AFTER it was revealed that chancellor Rachel Reeves,

SYNOD OMISSION

AFTER the Church of England’s General Synod refused

COINCIDENCE CORNER

Beer talking 26 February: Trade body the British

LEONG STORY

SHORTLY after Eye 1634 highlighted how

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£6.4bn Cuts to health and disability benefits, to

HOUSING NEWS

AMID the gloom on benefit cuts, there was

TUC NEWS

HUGE embarrassment for TUC general-secretary Paul Nowak after

SCORE BORE

A FLURRY of puns from Tory culture spokesman

INFRA DIG

JCB owner Lord Bamford played a crucial part

US-EYE

SAN FRANCISCO holds a special place in the

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

THE EU Commission expects its national capitals to

Private Eye

“I feel nostalgic for more complicated times”

MARCHANT BANKERS

THE last Eye reported how senior officers at

HUMBY PIE

A FORMER council leader claimed more than £15,000

VOILÀ VEOLIA

HE thrice-bankrupted London borough of Croydon, £1.5bn in

NORWICH UNION

WITH local government reorganisation and devolution on the

RATEPAYER REVENGE!

TIM FOSTER neatly turned the tables on a

MEDICINE BALLS

Remote control? HEALTH secretary Wes Streeting will certainly

REIGN OF TERRONI

EXCITING times for disability charity United Response, whose

ROAD RAGE

Cold shoulder

HEATHROW POWER FAILURE SPECIAL

WHATEVER the cause of the fire at the

Living off the grid

THE shutdown of Heathrow airport suggests National Grid’s

SIGNAL FAILURES

Kent asunder

The Agri Brigade

E NGLISH farmers are reeling at the overnight

This City Is Ours (BBC1) Adolescence (Netflix)

T HE BBC’s This City Is Ours

CULTURE BORES

MEDIA NEWS

THE BBC announced last week that it was

ROYAL ASSENT

A BELATED victory for freedom of the press

AD NAUSEAM

FOR nearly a year Accenture Song has (or

CASTING CROUCH

UNDER Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) rules, gambling ads

WORLD OF SPORT

A GLOBAL PR firm was quick to jump

KERBER'S PEOPLE

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

THE global success of Netflix’s Adolescence

A-EYE

VOICE cloning technology is getting better and better.

POP EYE

DECLARING that “artists deserve clarity about the economics

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

AN up-and-down week for London’s concert venues, starting

Letter from New Delhi

from Our Own Correspondent

HAITI WATCH

D ESPITE Haiti still being gripped by violent

Postcard from Belém

B ELÉM, our city of slums and sludge

NOOKS and CORNERS

THE UK’s ubiquitous 1990s “Essex Barn” supermarket architecture

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk A sorry state Sir,

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “The idea of weaving coffins

JOY FOR LE PEN AT COURT RULING

CELEBRATIONS continued today at the French National Rally headquarters

Coalition of the unwilling formed

■ EUROPE was united last night, joining forces

THAT GLOBAL TRADE WAR

How it works 1 US puts 25% tariff

‘I’M NOT ORANGE’ SAYS ORANGE

TRUMP AIMING FOR A THIRD TERM

Those British cars after Trump tariffs kick in

Vauxhall Cat-Astra-phe Aston Martin Vanquished Ford Concertina

ARCHBISHOP FORGIVES HIMSELF SHOCK

FORMER Archbishop Justin Welby astounded viewers of the

SCIENTISTS WARN OF END OF WORLD AS MAGA IRONYOMETER OVERHEATS

THE future of the planet is at risk

LEFT LUGGAGE

“Oh no! Keir Starmer has abandoned us!”

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

The columnist who is not letting his Paddington

TRUMP SEEKS CONTROL OF GREENLAND

SHOULD THE ASSISTED DYING BILL BE ALLOWED TO DIE PEACEFULLY?

THERE were calls today for the Assisted Dying

POLICE MAKE “FIRST EVER” ARRESTS AT A QUAKER HOUSE

Returning Doctor Who enemies Cyber man “It’s

POLICE LOG

Neasden Central Police Station

POETRY CORNER

In memoriam George Foreman, griddle entrepreneur, preacher, and

How to solve the crisis in prison places

1. All current criminals to shack up with

Big Reform donor sold weapons parts to Russian supplier

After it was revealed that company HR Smith,

POETRY CORNER

In memoriam Group Captain John Hemingway, the last

LABOUR – An Apology

IN RECENT years we may have given the

HOW THE JOB HAS CHANGED THEM

MAY 2024 MARCH 2025

BUDGET SPECIAL

Friday, April 4, 2025 IN TODAY’S Daily Sillygraph

Dee Nial

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

PRODUCT RECALL

Gnomemart apologises to all readers who bought the

‘I GOT THEM BACK’, SAYS NETANYAHU

ISRAELI Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was last night

HAMAS REFUSE TO HAND BACK HOSTAGES

■ THE Leaders of the terrorist group Hamas

FINLAND NAMED WORLD’S HAPPIEST COUNTRY FOR 8TH YEAR RUNNING

JOY IN UKRAINE

THERE was joy in Ukraine at the conclusion

Trump peace envoy unable to name disputed regions

TRUMP special envoy Steve Witkoff has denied being

Lines on the end of the criminal inquiry into the former First Minister of Scotland

’Twas in the spring of the year twenty-twenty-five,

A Tank Driver writes

© A tank driver Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin,

THE KING OF TROUBLES

A short story special

THIS WEEK

Do you have a favourite spoon? What country

SENIOR WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS GIVEN NEW SECURE COMMUNICATION DEVICES

POETRY CORNER

In memoriam Oleg Gordievsky, Russian spy and British

Planet of the Apes 2025

Faithful reboot of the original classic in which

WEDDING OF THE CENTURY

Eye-Prime tracks the wedding of Amazon boss Jeff

Private Eye

Netflix reassures stunned executives

NETFLIX has reassured its executives that it would

BRITAIN’S BIGGEST FREEBIE SCANDAL

What play did Rachel Reeves see at the

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

PADDINGTON DISAPPEARANCE SPECIAL

WAS RUSSELL BRAND ACTING ALONE WHEN HE SHOT HIMSELF IN THE FOOT? OR WAS HE PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE HIM LOOK RIDICULOUS?

Rare footage of Penelope Keith on the grassy

WH Smith changes hands

Ailing high street giant WH Smith has been

Those unforgettable Blue Peter moments

AS WE SAY GOODBYE to the live editions

DIARY

We are in Kuuru. It’s a dimly lit,

Private Eye

“I see a tall, bald stranger with a

Rococo follies

Empty Wigs Jonathan Meades (Unbound, £25) T

Women’s glib

To the Women Donna Ashworth (Black & White

BOOKS & BOOKMEN

‘The Decline and Fall of the Human Empire

GNOME CINEMA

LIFE is hard for the little people, especially

Pseuds Corner

When Wednesday’s teamsheet [sic] landed though, it was

Private Eye

“We mine Bitcoin now” “I haven’t got

LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 18

Thirlwall marches on FORMER supreme court judge Jonathan

Greenwich Naval Hospital (PIPs Assessment Board)

“Damn your impudence, sir! Application denied. Now, back

Love bomb

ITV’s recent documentary series on undercover police who

Sent to Coventry

AFTER the recent sentencing of paedophile Church of

Run of the Millican

THE government set up the Independent Water

Dump struck?

THINGS are running far from smoothly for the

Burned out

THE high-profile employment tribunal at which tree-burning power

Electric shock

EIGHTEEN months have passed since rogue electricity trader

Cheshire catfight

COURT papers from the latest clash between

Sleepy CCRC

BRITAIN’s longest-serving parole “refusenik” Clive Freeman always

A deadly delay

A VOLUNTEER who was fatally crushed while

Nobody charged

MICHAELA BOOR was walking home along an open

Vet’s corner

CAMBRIDGE University’s veterinary medicine school was given a

Astana’s born

AS CARDIFF University prepares to make massive cuts,

Park strife

TATLER ’s April issue devotes a full page

In the City

Flying the red tape WITH the threatened

THE LAST LAUGH…

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE