Private Eye

US-EYE

DESPITE his swollen ankles, penchant for naps and

PRIVATE EYE EDITORIAL

strobes@private-eye.co.uk www.private-eye.co.uk 6 Carlisle Street, London W1D

IRONYO METER EXPLODES

“This morning, the United States carried out an

PRITI POOR SHOW

PRITI PATEL was quick to stress last weekend

EYE TOLDYOU SO

THE professional dealings of Durham council leader and

NEW YEAR HONOURS 2026

ACCORDING to Keir Starmer, the New Year’s honours

COURT CIRCULAR

NEWS that police had visited Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to

STIRRING THE PLOT

DONALD TRUMP’s newfound enthusiasm for overseas military action

PAPER MONEY

JOY to the world at Retch plc’s pre-

CONTROL THE PAST

THE relaunched Observer uses a George Orwell quote

SHIFTING SANDS

AS BOTH Reform and the Conservatives attacked the

NANDY PANDERING

THE official notification that Lord Rothermere’s Mail group

BRIEFING ENCOUNTERS

HOWLS of outrage from the parliamentary lobby just

CLICKBAIT CORONER

AS THE last Eye noted, desperate click farmers

FAD OMENS

“ BUSINESSES’ embrace of Pride was an ideological

LOYALTY TEST

LAST month, several papers ran stories about Chris

OFFICER’S MESS

FRESH-FACED Sunday Times deputy political editor Harry Yorke

BREXIT BONUS

“Britain will be able to strike formal trade

HACKWATCH

Writing the wrongs

HIND SIGHT

“ I CAN reveal that showbusiness reporters at

OFF MESSAGE

WHATEVER else is wrong with the current Labour

GIVING GROUND

FACING sustained and unprecedented lobbying from the National

A BIT SHORT

FOR a party fighting for Scottish independence, the

BAND AIDES

SINCE outrage ensued after the 2024 general election

HOUSING NEWS

AS ATTENTION focuses on how many new homes

NOT PLAYING BALL

IN ITS enthusiasm to ramp up housebuilding, the

A DEATH FORETOLD ? MD ON A DYING BILL …

WILL the Assisted Dying Bill make it through

FIXER-UPPER HOUSE

“Only possible thanks to Brexit” EYEBROWS were raised

NUMBER CRUNCHING

80 Retirement age for peers which a Lords

ANIMAL PHARM

CELEBRATIONS for animal rights campaigners, as science minister

THANGAM STYLE

THINGS haven’t been so bad for Thangam Debbonaire

POOR SAP

WHEN some education folk were summoned to the

SHELL OF A JOB

WHEN the government appointed Shell executive Simon Roddy

FRENCH LETTERS

TORY shadow sports minister Louie French had a

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£2.7bn Pay and dividends Bet365 chief executive Denise

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

FOR EU officials who spent much of 2025

MAN IN THE US–EYE: NICK FUENTES

THERE might be experiences in life more humiliating

Private Eye

AWARDS 2025

SHIT OF THE YEAR North Northamptonshire councillor Matt

QUOTES OF THE YEAR

“Your permit was cancelled for the following reason:

MEDICINE BALLS

NHS Funding THE function of the NHS is

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ONKEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

AT THE end of last year the National

SIGNAL FAILURES

Broad gouge railway

ROAD RAGE

Safety threat

The Agri Brigade

T HE government’s recently announced Animal Welfare Strategy

The Night Manager (BBC1) Red Eye (ITV)

W HEN a TV show succeeds, a clock

YES, HE’S BACK!

LIGGER

DUMB BRITAIN

Tipping Point, ITV Ben Shephard: Located in the

CLINK CLUNKER

CAROLE MALONE, the low-rent Glenda now reduced to

ALL TALK

BACK in November, TalkTV issued a clear response

LAWFARE GAME

THE BBC faces another serial litigant with fat

ADNAUSEAM

THERE are now more UK streaming subscribers on

MALGORITHMS

Guardian: “Shropshire canal breach was caused by collapse

VOLLEYS OF ABUSE

SPORT’s cosy relationship with the gambling industry has

Private Eye

by Grizelda

SHIRT SHRIFT

WITH Everton FC having kept gambling operator Stake

A-EYE

WHAT new joy can you expect from AI

NUDES UPDATE

“Woman felt ‘dehumanised’ after Musk’s Grok AI used

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

READERS still planning to use X in 2026

Letter from Berlin

G ERMANY, long admired for its steadiness, moderation

AFGHAN WATCH

W HEN Donald Trump halted the processing of a

Postcard from Abuja

T HIS is not how things were meant

NOOKS and CORNERS

WHILE greedy developers and neglectful public authorities are

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Christmas cheers! Sir, I absolutely love

KERBER'S PEOPLE

Private Eye

“You can’t compare apples to apples” JUSTIN LANGER,

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “I’m not nine feet tall,

DELTA FORCE GOES IN

NARCO TERRORIST ARRESTED

REGIME CHANGE

THOSE OTHER NAMES CONSIDERED FOR ‘OPERATION ABSOLUTE RESOLVE’ IN FULL

n Operation Iraq Went Well Didn’t It n

How times change

2003 President George W. Bush invades Iraq, swears

OPPOSITION LEADER LEFT OUT IN THE COLD

by Our Regime Change Correspondent Ray Jeem THE

U.S. TO RUN COUNTRY FROM NOW ON

IN A dramatic move, hated left-wing leader Keir

VENEZUELA MEDIA PICK

WHY WON’T USELESS STARMER INVADE ANYWHERE? End of

NEW OLD SAYINGS

OLD SAYING: “If you would seek peace, prepare

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT LEADER TO BE DEPOSED BY TRUMP?

THE world was bracing itself for the further

Notes&queries

Who or what is a “bumrush”? l Bumrush

No one resigns from Team Sussex

THIS week, nobody in the team working on

MEGHAN AND HARRY SEEK 12TH PUBLICIST IN 5 YEARS

KING’S NEW DOCUMENTARY

CONCERN FOR ROYALS AS INTRUDER ATTEMPTS TO BREAK INTO PALACE

ALARM bells were ringing throughout Kensington Palace, when

Government reeling over final blow to Starmer’s credibility

Mr Teasy-Weasy from Neasden’s top unisex salon Hair

FOOTBALL FAN COMPLAINS AT COST OF WORLD CUP TICKET

Labour’s mad Net Zero crusade nothing to do with climate

IT IS often claimed by unwise people that

SUFFERING FROM MEMORY LOSS?

ARE you struggling to remember things which happened,

Gap year army scheme latest

IN AN attempt to recruit more troops, the

New ironyometer blows up already

IT’S only one day into the new year

Macca in tree conservation row

“Are Thames Water celebrating an anniversary?” AS Paul

THOSE NEW YEAR’S LEADER MESSAGES IN FULL

LABOUR CONSERVATIVES GREENS

LOYAL WEDDING PLATE

Celebrate the forthcoming nuptials, with the Y es,

Stranger Things finale a big disappointment

AFTER nearly 50 hours of gripping television the

BRITISH MUSEUM INSURES BAYEUX TAPESTRY FOR £800 MILLION

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye HI! Well,

Another American doctor writes…

As an American doctor I am often asked,

Outrage as iconic Washington building renamed

THERE was uproar throughout the United States when

A Tank Driver writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ

Meteorologists ‘rare weather phenomenon’ explained

“She just keeps getting hotter” The Met Office

YET ANOTHER EPIDEMIC SWEEPS COUNTRY

CHINA NEW YEAR’S DRONE SHOW

LOCALS were left agog today as China staged

WILL YOU FINALLY BECOME FIT, RICH AND POWERFUL IN 2026?

No.

Farmers celebrate U-turn on inheritance tax

Britain’s farmers have announced that they are hugely

Man wins Battle of the Chequeses

IT WAS the sporting contest that gripped no

THAT NEW YEAR’S HONOURS LIST IN FULL

Warwick Davis for services to Star Wars –

DESPERATE BUSINESS

Have we all had too much Winkleman over Christmas?

IT’S over a week since Christmas Day, the

EYE CHRISTMAS QUIZ FAR TOO EASY

WE WOULD like to apologise to all our

JOY AS BARDOT DIES

THERE was widespread delight in Fleet Street as

New expression for 2026

“I’m doing Sly Jabuary”

We have no business rubbernecking at Beckham family tragedy

WHAT a terrible shame it is to see

Ramsay’s wedding nightmare

Channel 4 Gordon Ramsay turns up at his

POETRY CORNER

In memoriam Chris Rea, legendary musician So farewell

Long literary debate ended – yes, David Walliams is the new Roald Dahl

FOR years, children’s book lovers have been arguing

DIARY

HOPES AND DREAMS FOR

Private Eye

Gerald liked to observe Dryad January “No, we’ve

Le Carré on and on…

Tradecraft: Writers on John le Carré Frederico Varese,

Books & Bookmen

n GLARINGLY absent from the Sunday Times ’s

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

The Letters of TS Eliot Volume X: 1942-1944

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

COMFORT and joy were in short supply at

POP EYE

SPOTIFY’s corporate team was outraged when it was

Pseuds Corner

The viewer gets caught up in all the

GNOME CINEMA

AVATAR: Fire and Ash is the first film

Private Eye

“Who are these unsavoury characters?” “Well it was

Argy-bargy

CANAL LIVING THE dramatic breach on the Llangollen

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£0 Maximum bonus the government decided Wessex Water

Thames barriers

SIGNIFICANT elements of the Port of London Authority’s

Parental controls

SAILORS working in the Royal Fleet Auxiliary (RFA)

Steele trap

DONALD TRUMP is facing fresh humiliation in his

Barston finks

E -LEARNING company Oxbridge Ltd offered GCSE, BTEC

Clink clunk

HMP Five Wells, a Northamptonshire prison run by

Fancy that!

THE Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA) regularly exhorts

Dead losses

AHEAD of what should be an awkward time

All right for sum...

Eight-figure returns all round for Teesside’s jammiest businessmen,

Fuel’s gold

RACHEL REEVES had good news for motorists in

Ferry poor…

IT WAS hardly a ringing endorsement of the

Chapter and purse

TREBLES all round for investors in private children’s

Party line

THIS year will mark the 20th anniversary of

McAlpine pass

E VIDENCE given to the Spycops inquiry has

In the money

DUBAI WAYS T RADITIONAL tax havens have long

THE LAST LAUGH…

Private Eye

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE

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