WAR GAINS

AS Keir Starmer finally took a stand last

CHAGOS CHEQUES

THE UK’s £3.4bn sell-and-lease-back deal to hand the

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£34m Annual cost budgeted for replacement for Post

BLUFF JUSTICE

“As we stand here today in the shadow

DIGITAL EXAMINATION

THINGS are working out nicely for a company

HOW ARE TRUMP’S PEACE PLANS GOING?

the “service design of the compensation scheme delivery

TIPPING POINT

THE continued degradation of X/Twitter under Elon Musk

HANCOCK AND BULL

RIDES don’t come much easier than the one

US-EYE

AT HIS recent Oval Office meeting, Cyril Ramaphosa

OUT TO LAUNCH

WHEN Polish company Remontowa won a contract in

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£9bn Boost to the UK economy by 2040

LOWE POINT

“RUPERT LOWE, the MP for Great Yarmouth,

IMI-OH-MY…

A DEAL was triumphantly announced last week that

WEALTH TACKS

THIS month saw publication of the Sunday

SECOND HELPINGS

“STURGEON earns more from second jobs than

READ CARD FOR LINEKER…

A SURPRISINGLY sympathetic showing for Gary Lineker in

‘HOME GUARD’ TO PROTECT NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS

CROSSED PALMER

“ PEERLESS Palmer triumphs” parped the Daily

NEVER SAY DEI

BLOOMBERG News, the media outfit founded by US

PASS-AGG GAG

“ VANCE is right: we do have a

WAR FOOTING

LAST week the Times and

DEPARTURE HAUL

THE annual accounts released by the Evening

PRIVATE EYE

PATRICK BUTLER and Josh Halliday have been awarded

LINE OF FIRE SERVICE…

MUCH coverage in the national and local media

CHEAP SHOT

BRUTAL times in local journalism, where a Reach

LOADED COMMENT

The days of journalists shovelling themselves full of

CLICKBAIT CORNER

Headline inflation

Private Eye

“If I wear this mask, Mummy sometimes looks

BLIND SPOT

DID health secretary Wes Streeting mislead parliament by

PLAYING CATCH-UP

LOBBYING firm FGS Global, whose clients have included

CLEGG DEFENDS COPYRIGHT THEFT

AIDE & ABET

TORY leadership wannabe Robert Jenrick has signed up

NUMBER CRUNCHING

2% Rate of inflation in the 12 months

APPY DAZE

SEVERAL public bodies might want to check out

HALL OF MIRRORS

WARRINGTON’s Labour MP Sarah Hall took a firm

CALLED TO ORDURE

SIR Keir Starmer believes in “mission government”. What

ARTS BRIEF

ARTS minister Chris Bryant managed to cloak his

GOLDEN SLUMBERS

NINE peers who didn’t speak or vote once

MAN DARIN SAUCE

EXCITING times as the Department for Science, Innovation

EU-phemisms

“We offer a warm message of welcome to

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

WASHINGTON’s threat to end military support for Europe’s

NUMBER CRUNCHING

0.3% Proportion of investigations into tax dodging by

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

WHY has energy secretary Ed Miliband’s favourite new

TERROR VISION

THE government’s “independent” reviewer of terrorism legislation has

HOUSING NEWS

TACKLING homelessness, investing in social housing, boosting housebuilding,

BREXITEERS BIRCH

“Reform – yes, they’re definitely the number two

NUMBER CRUNCHING

4.1 Ratio of average house price to average

SURREY STATE OF AFFAIRS

W AVERLEY borough council is using the Community

BADGE BADGERS

A DISABLED Eye reader’s court victory against a

REFORM ROUND-UP

Useless Husband A GLOWING commendation for Durham county

LAMPPOST TRUTH

RESIDENTS near a huge warehouse in Corby were

BATTLE FOR BROCKWELL

LAMBETH in sarf London lurches from one self-inflicted crisis

HEIL ST HELENS!

MERSEY SIDE town St Helens has a solid

LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 22

Thirlwall delay PUBLICATION of the Thirlwall Inquiry report

MEDICINE BALLS

Deep freeze VERY senior managers at the worst-performing

SIGNAL FAILURES

Approval ratings

ROAD RAGE

Tunnel division HAVING prioritised transport megaprojects in the

The Agri Brigade

T HE government announced a deal with the

EYE TV

Virgin Island (Channel 4) The Bombing of Pan

STOP THE VOTES!

EUROVISION’s broadcasting wing, the EBU, states every year

SNOOKER QUEUES

THE television channel formerly known as Channel 5

RADIO GAGA

GLOBAL Media & Entertainment group’s fresh-faced president Ashley

AD NAUSEAM

THE Cabinet Office has appointed a consortium of

MONEY TO CHURN

THE BBC-funded Local Democracy Reporting Service (LDRS), launched

GNOME CINEMA

OVERLOOKED in the hype about Barbenheimer rescuing cinema

ANTI - SOCIAL MEDIA

MARK Zuckerberg’s META platforms are used by nearly

A-EYE

THE ability to tell what’s real from what’s

Letter from Jerusalem from Our Own Correspondent

P OISED to launch another devastating assault on

ICC WATCH

T HE International Criminal Court (ICC) has n

Postcard from Nassau

T HE Bahamas had everything you’d expect of

NOOKS and CORNERS

AS CASH-strapped local councils desperately search for any

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Vance Ewok Lookalike Sir,

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

A GAPING absence on the music scene is

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “The latest ad campaign for

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Barry Fantoni, artist, writer, musician

Alan Bates receives tribute

SIR Alan Bates has attacked the “kangaroo courts”

LUCY CONNOLLY: TERRIBLE SENTENCE CONDEMNED

ACROSS Britain today millions of people were horrified

THE SUN SAYS

LET’S be clear from the outset, what was

Energy bills ‘to fall in July’

There was widespread joy across Britain today at

Guidelines from Donald Trump’s ‘free speech’ mission to UK

1 Conduct your society exactly as we say

Columnist not on Ozempic shock

A British lifestyle journalist has shocked her industry

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

HI! Well here we are! We thought we’d

THIS IS APPALLING, SAY DISSOLVED MONKS

A TOP monk has said that Henry VIII’s

WATER BOSS ‘MISSPOKE’ WHEN DEFENDING EXECUTIVE PAY

Net migration articles halve

EXTRAORDINARY new figures reveal that over the last

How to come up with a new ‘family password’ to prevent deepfake impersonations

1. Think of a name that nobody else

Nick Clegg’s reasons the Lib Dems should join a coalition government at the next election in full

1 Ed Davey will become Deputy Prime Minister

Labour softens position on welfare cuts

WITH a rebellion brewing, Number 10 has indicated

Clickbait headlines from history

The Lord lays down his ten commandments –

? ? ? EYE QUIZ ? ? ?

Why has Donald Trump attacked Britain’s Net Zero

PRESIDENT TOUGHENS UP ON IMMIGRATION

MARIE ANTOINET TE HOSTS LAVISH HEN PART Y IN PARIS

MARIE Antoinette, the super-sexy fiancée of the world’s

MEGHAN’S MEMORY BOARD

CHARLES REUNITED WITH OLD FRIENDS

Disbelief that people in government have differing opinions

WESTMINSTER was reeling today after The Daily Raynergraph

Writes for the Eye

LET me tell you, I’m shocked at the

EUROVISION LATEST

AFTER THE disastrous performance of this year’s aptly

ANGER SPILLS ONTO BRITISH STREETS AFTER ‘BREXIT BETRAYAL’

AS NEWS spread of Keir Starmer’s ‘spineless surrender’

NETANYAHU REACTS TO CRITICISM FROM STARMER, MACRON AND CARNEY

EU RESET BLOW FOR FISHERMEN

DEAL

Your questions answered

TRUMP IN GENOCIDE AMBUSH SHOCK

THE WORLD was shocked today when Donald Trump

A Trump guide to the complex history of South Africa

19th CENTURY Black colonists arrive as part of

TRUMP ‘ANNOUNCES NEW GOLDEN DOME’

DONALD TRUMP has announced today he’s setting aside

SEASHELLS ASSASSINATION SHOCK

Friday, Once-upon-a-time

A Tank Driver writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ “WHAT’S

THE TRAGIC END OF THE BREXIT DREAM

CRIPES! Yes folks, we have just witnessed the

Phillippa Column

As Harry and Meghan celebrate the 7th year of their relationship, our top agony aunt, Phillippa Column gives her tips on how to survive that legendry “Seven-Year Itch.”

The big ITV daytime shake-up

6am Good Morning Britain with Ant and Dec

Is Gary Lineker irreplaceable?

NOW that Gary Lineker has left the BBC,

Sir Elton John is furious over proposals to let tech firms use copyright-protected work for free without permission

That playlist in full: ■ Bennie And

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

SESAME STREET OFF TO NETFLIX

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

This week I am angry about Peppa Pig.

SPOT THE BRAWL COMPETITION

IT WAS a proud moment for the nation

The George Wendt I knew

I WAS very close to George. He was

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Alan Yentob, arts broadcaster. So,

DIARY

Can a teabag think? Can a spoon remember?

Private Eye

“Sorry – your insurance does not cover you

Private Eye

“It’s her first time out with a mobile”

Private Eye

“Could you put my burger back on the

Literary Review

Chat’s life…

Talking dirty

R OO DAY, as her publisher bugles on

BOOKS & BOOKMEN

n AT THE British Book Awards, aka the

BOT OF THE BARREL

n AI-GENERATED books clogging up online sellers is

Pseuds Corner

Waking Life is a midsummer festival, a landcare

Private Eye

“Jesus – is that really how

Jet wash

AS ISRAEL’s fleet of F-35 fighter jets unleash

Dover toll

THERE was joy pretty much all round the

Arms around Trump

KEIR STARMER celebrated VE Day with a speech

Houchen updata…

TEES Valley mayor Lord (Ben) Houchen rarely compliments

Net lots of zeroes…

KEIR Starmer didn’t hold back when his government

Canal plus?

A LTHOUGH he was announced as the new Canal

Rigger warning

SALMON farmers are keen to open up offshore

Brewers droop

GIANT global lager brewers seem hell-bent on destroying

Canterbury snails…

THE gap between the death of Pope Francis

Chilling pepper

IF AN adult pepper-sprayed a child in the

Forgotten families

MELANIE LEAHY might once have described herself as

Go Holmes!

IT’S 22 years since George Holmes first featured

Griffin rampant

A MULTI-academy trust paid its founders more

Reserve judgment

“WE’RE beyond thrilled to announce that Kids Company’s

Trade punches

B RITAIN, with France and Canada, would be

RedBird watchers

N EWS that the Telegraph media group may

A Mandy-shambles

T HE much-delayed 2023 accounts for The Bank

Struggle for Autonomy

N OW we know. The damages award in

BARRY FANTONI 1940-2025

THE Eye is sad to record

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO...

PAGE 94 Tales from the Telegraph, Grok