Private Eye

SUFFOLK PUNCH

MINISTERS are briefing that later this month the

GROK OF SHIT

FOLLOWING multiple instances of Elon Musk’s AI Grok

SPIDEY SENSE

PROOF the UK is taking serious notice of

TANKS BUT NO TANKS

PITY the military procurement officials in charge of

COUNSEL OF REPAIR

TRANSFORMING defence means tackling problems in recruitment and

HUNGER GAMES

MASTERCARD users may be surprised to learn that

LABOUR SPENDING REVIEW U-TURN ON WINTER FUEL

NUMBER CRUNCHING

£93m Bonus Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary is on

US-EYE

YOU might think a man with the nuclear

COURT CIRCULAR

THE palace continues to promote how full of

NUMBER CRUNCHING

12% Percentage of British Airways flight crew who

FOLLOW THAT, KAMAL

ADIOS to Kamal Ahmed, who lasted barely a

PROPHET & LOSS

UNDERSTANDABLY preferring to avoid the newspaper she is

FAMILY FORTUNES

“This would raise eyebrows – if we could

UNION vs. JACK

JOURNALISTS across what remains of Fleet Street are

LEFT TURN

“ A NEW era for Tribune ,”

HOW TIME FLIES!

WITNESS in a Time of Turmoil , the

SOFT SCOOPS

AS NEWSPAPERS are increasingly starved of resources and

TRAVELLING LIGHT

EXACTLY three years ago, Time Out ,

STINGE IN THE TALE

“We’ve called him Slim” SO. FAREWELL then

LAPTOP CASE

“ MAKE no mistake: this book about the

HIGH HORSE

“ WHY do police accept criminal drug use?”

AD INFINITUM

MAIL ONLINE’s shameless pimping for brands its parent

TRIUMPH OF HOPE

CONGRATULATIONS to all the keen young things who

HACKWATCH Vine art

“ FORGET every other reading matter –

LORD A-REAPING

MUCKRAKING right-wing blog Guido Fawkes has

Private Eye

“Are they allowed to do drone attacks?”

BLOCKCHAIN PARTY

JUST before his resignation from (and then his

TOP BRASS NECK

A CONSULTANCY linked to defence secretary John Healey’s

BOLLOM’S UP

PUBLIC criticism of Israel’s Gaza campaign may be

WILD CLAIMS

PLANNED cuts to personal independence payments (PIP) should

FREEPORT IN STORM

IT MIGHT have been hoped that, after the

KANE & TABLES

MIKE Kane, Labour’s aviation and maritime minister who

CALLED TO ORDURE

MEET “JP”, the country’s new top taxman. The

FREE KICKS

THE Football Governance Bill – which will, among

PETER’S FRIENDS

WHAT might be behind the government’s seeming reticence

HOUSING NEWS

COMPLAINTS by social housing tenants about shabby repairs

TICKET PUNCHING

HAVING gone after pensioners and the disabled, Keir

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

THE EU is rapidly falling out of love

Private Eye

“I’m worried about Reform’s fast-track vetting process...”

AWARDS FOR FAILURE

EARLY five years after they first declared Neffective

DOCTOR GLOUCESTER

VOTERS in Dursley ignored our article in Eye

REFORM ROUND-UP

IT’S only a month since Reform UK won

RUBBISH FIRMS

SUTTON council has been caught out in its

TIMBER!

MORE than two years after the controversial Mfelling

MEDICINE BALLS

Conditions attached

SERVICE ELEVATOR

“Before we completely revise your father’s treatment, just

SIGNAL FAILURES

Ticket punch

EYE TOLD YOU SO

“ENCOURAGING passengers to overcharge themselves could help train

AIR RAGE

ACCORDING to recently published government research on English

The Agri Brigade

L ATEST figures from HM Revenue & Customs

EYE TV

Doctor Who (BBC1/Disney+)

MEDIA NEWS

CONDOLENCES to GB News proprietor Paul Marshall, who

DUMB BRITAIN

The Finish Line, BBC1 Roman Kemp: Seville

AMERSI DASHED

“At least in our day when we were

NETFLIX & SWILL

AFTER the unexpected pandemic success of his adaptation

AD NAUSEAM

AMAZON is running an advertising campaign that celebrates

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

POLITICAL advertising on social media is an increasingly

A-EYE

WHILE fears over the impact of AI-generated content

BASQUED BALL

THOUSANDS of Manchester United and Tottenham fans slept

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

AMONG the many complaints against Arts Council England

POP EYE

BOB Dylan biopic A Complete Unknown

SPACE RACE

KINGS Place in Kings Cross, London, is best

CULTUNE BOAES

GNOME CINEMA

GUESTS arriving at a press screening for

Letter from Tripoli

from Our Own Correspondent I F enough time

TALIBAN WATCH

T HE plight of Afghanistan’s women generated g

Postcard from Arkadag

I T’S BEEN a remarkable rise to the

NOOKS and CORNERS

SOUTHEND’s magnificent fairground Kursaal building is now in

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON

KNIFE & PACKER

Letters

Root stumped letters@private-eye.co.uk Sir, Yorkshire Water

FUNNY OLD WORLD

fow@private-eye.co.uk £ “This is not a fetish

Drawn to Soho

According to his (not always reliable) memoir A

The Eye’s laughter track

I went to visit Barry in Turin just

Scenes You Seldom See

2002-2010

Top of the pops

IN 1977 I drew Barry Fantoni for a

Private Eye

“…and a little man from the village delivers

Private Eye

The private and confidential WhatsApp group of the Prime Minister, the man who is defeating Reform under the slogan ‘Ban the Berks’!!!

AMERICA INVADES USA

ONCE again the world held its breath as

How the Trump presidency is going

JANUARY Trump takes office promising to annexe Greenland,

INTRUDER DAMAGES TERRACOTTA ARMY

It’s still in better shape than Britain’s

Signs of life in black hole

The world of science was rocked today as

Private Eye

“Uh-oh! Time to review our ‘War-fighting readiness’!”

TRIUMPH FOR REFORM AS IT SWEEPS INTO THIRD PLACE

In the most seismic upheaval in the history

UK/US cultural exchange latest

n Reform adopts DOGE and provokes spat

NEW REFORM DOGE CHIEF APPOINTED

It’s pronounced ‘dodgy’

DOWNING STREET, ‘WE’LL MEET 3% TARGET’

DESPITE widespread scepticism, Downing Street has insisted it

FULL TEXT OF DONALD TRUMPʼS CONGRATULATORY MESSAGE TO UKRAINE FOR ITS AUDACIOUS DRONE ATTACK WHICH TOOK OUT A THIRD OF RUSSIAʼS BOMBER FLEET

Er…

INNOCUOUS WOODEN BOX TURNS OUT TO BE DEADLY WEAPON

The King of Troy today announced that he

THE TWERKING ROYAL TM

Forget the Working Royals, now it’s…

ACTION kid TM

It’s the dead of night. The enemy is advancing. Only one person stands between victory and oblivion. INTRODUCING:

AN APOLOGY

IN RECENT years we have mistakenly given the

THAMES WATER ‘CONFIDENT OF SECURING NEW FINANCE’

Like all the excrement we pump into our

How police’s new ‘cash boost to fight crime’ will be spent

1 Big signs on the Underground telling fare

Clothing boom joy for Britain’s high street retailers

SALES of this season’s must-have fashion item have

THAT RBS/NAT WEST BANK TIMELINE IN FULL...

2008 Government buys 57.9% share for £20bn with

BEARS FURIOUS AS PC PLOD IGNORES CRIME

T H E three bears last night condemned

Ex-Conservative MP writes for the Eye

Hi! Well don’t say we didn’t warn you!

DESPERATE BUSINESS

New Swiss Dictionary Corner

Glacial pace

HOME SECRETARY DEFENDS EARLY RELEASE OF PRISONERS

We need the space to lock up all

COLDPLAY FRONTMAN SPLITS UP FROM ACTRESS

What a sad note to end on Yes,

EX-BBC MAN DANNY COHEN CRITICISES BBC GAZA COVERAGE

Out of control, completely biased, utterly one-sided, not

Lady Macbeth

Lady Macbeth’s memoirs – the tome you are all talking about! Exclusively serialised in the

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist

This week I am angry about Elon Musk’s

FROG AND SCORPION ATTACK EACH OTHER

IN NEWS that everyone has been predicting for

CONSPIRACY UPDATE

THE tweet from President Trump suggesting that Joe

Middle East Ironyometer blows up

WHEN the boat carrying Greta Thunberg was stopped

ISRAEL’S NEW GAZA AID STRATEGY

Don’t worry people are not going to starve…

NEW GAZA HUMANITARIAN FOUNDATION BOSS APPOINTED

Trump announces new 100% tariff

Scenes from American History No.94 “Uh-oh. I

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON SLAMS BBC FOR FAKE NEWS

“YOU can’t trust the BBC. Only yesterday it

A Tank Driver writes

Vlad ‘Mad’ Putin, Tank No: ZZZZ Every

Let’s Parlez Franglais!

Numéro 94

Cannabis decriminalisation latest

A YouGov poll this week found 41% supported

IT'S THE... MARVILE

TV HIGHLIGHTS

Bear Hunt

Mission Impossible – The Final Reckoning

It’s the end of an era as the

Fears of US reprisals after Charles Canada visit

“This is my first time and it may

POETRY CORNER

Lines on the 50th Anniversary of the popular

TRUSS PROMOTES WHISKEY

I didn’t crash the economy I think you’ve

CLASSIC COMEDY MOMENTS NO 94

Vicar of Dibley 2025 Dawn French, played by

JANE AUSTEN: THE DOCUMENTARY

Hand bearing quill pen writing scratchily on crusty

Literary Review

Sweet nothing

Books & Bookmen

■ THIS week’s ceremony in Bloomsbury for the

WHITE LIE-DOWN

■ “THERE’s great sadness at the Booker Prizes

TOUGH CROWD

■ IN 2011, the innovative publisher Unbound launched

WHAT YOU DIDN’T MISS, Pt 94

Ian Leslie (Faber, £25) O NE of

Pseuds Corner

Perhaps the Basques, who have fought for their

Baby formulas

FIRE SAFETY

A fine mess

WOMEN who are visibly pregnant but don’t have

Harsh reality

IF THERE were any doubt that OnlyFans model

Soft option

EVIDENCE obtained by the Eye raises serious doubts

Pish & BECCS

YORKSHIRE tree-burning power generator Drax is showing clear

Failure to ACCT

OVERSTRETCHED prison staff have become “hardened” to incidents

Sum mishtake?

WHAT price could possibly be put on a

Keepers weepers

THE ever-shrinking number of lock keepers on the

Violet disorder

A BIG purple block of student flats in

Fostering change

IN THE two years before her entirely avoidable

Village idiots

TURDS all round in the village of Maids

NUMBER CRUNCHIN

£1.15m Combined amount Crapita had underpaid 5,543 of

NUMBER CRUNCHIN

£18.2m Fine Thames Water has received for breaking

In the City

Top dogs’ breakfast

Settlement accounts

WHILE the killing of hungry Palestinians continues, the

YOU’VE READ THE MAG, NOW LISTEN TO THE PODCAST!

PAGE 94

Bonus balls

R YANAIR’s shouty chief executive Michael O’Leary is

THE LAST LAUGH…

“Not to nit-pick, but ‘sleeping with the fish’

TEST CASH DUMMIES

TO HAVE one eminent medical professor excoriate your

BARRY FANTONI

1940 - 2025

UPROAR OVER ROYAL JAM SHORTAGE

Friday, Once-upon-a-time