KEIR STARMER’S MACHINE LEARNING

UNVEILING his great “AI Action Plan” to transform

CONTRACT LENS

AS THE last Eye revealed, last

PAY PALS

GOOD NEWS! More than a decade and a

RIDDLE OF THE STINKS

NIGEL FARAGE’S latest grift smells a bit even

WISHFUL SINKING

THE government aims to deliver 1.5m additional homes

TULIP MANIA

continued… AU REVOIR then, Tulip Siddiq, who

FALSE FLAG

REFORM UK councillor Jaymey McIvor chose to unfurl

US-EYE

DAYS before his inauguration, Donald Trump’s decision to

TECH SUPPORT

THE EU is reportedly holding back on all

LAW UNTO ITSELF

FORMER bookie Jim Mullen, now boss of newspaper

DRUG PUSHERS

AS EYE 1620 noted last March,

HOW JOURNALISM WORKS

First two weeks of January : Yields on

STRAINING MANUAL

The Guardian recently launched “The Overwhelm”

SUSSEX SUCK-UPS

MEGHAN MARKLE is on a publicity drive, reactivating

STAT OF THE NATION

TORY MP and Telegraph columnist Nick

GROOM TEMPERATURE

THE Telegraph ’s increasingly rabid editorial line

SNOWFLAKE NEWS

"IT IS January and it is snowing,” noted

PANIC STATION

SO. Farewell then, London Live, the “hyper-local” TV

HOW NOW, KOWTOW

THE Mail titles were full of

RECIPE FOR DISASTER?

NEW year, new campaign of pop-up windows on

AFRICAN QUEEN

ON 11 January, the Economist published

NIGHT BLUBBING

THE Guardian seems to be going

BET LYNCHING

“THE MISSING MILLIONS,” thundered large text above

ON A TROLL

CLICKBAIT megasite Mail Online reported gleefully last

Private Eye

“The kids have really got into the darts”

LABOUR SPIN CYCLE

THE new year will be a good one

HUNTER GATHERER

THE recent ennoblement of Baroness (Anji) Hunter presented

KEEPING THE LIGHTS ON

THIS column has never rushed to predict blackouts,

CALLED TO ORDURE

COME and visit my beautiful constituency where the

WESTMINSTER WHISPERS

GREAT indignation in the upper house when Tory

MASTER OF THE ROLLS

“DOES the secretary of state agree that

SQUEAKY CLEANERS

AS THE government consults on deputy prime minister

PROF-IT MOTIVE

HOW will Coventry University vice-chancellor Professor John Latham

CALL ME, DAVE

FORMER Tory prime minister and Greensill Capital lobbyist

ARMS GIVER

BUSINESS secretary Jonathan Reynolds has re-appointed Mark Lancaster

TATE & VILE

ANYONE disillusioned with the current state of UK

HOUSING NEWS

WHAT difference could the government’s Renters’ Rights Bill,

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

PLENTY of ink has been spilt detailing the

SURGICAL BYPASS

CLAIMING it will “deliver for working people”, Keir

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGED

SO. FAREWELL, then, Cllr Ammar Naqvi, former cabinet

ALL THAT JAS

REDBRIDGE Labour councillor and Ilford South MP Jas

JUST THE TICKET

THE Green administration running Bristol claims the city

KISMET KATE

GOOD news from the London borough of Croydon!

CULTURE SHOCK

ON 1 January Bradford became the 2025 UK

MEDICINE BALLS

Breaking points THE Royal College of Nursing has

BODY BLOW

A DISASTROUS trip to the dentist for root

SIGNAL FAILURES

Open excess

ROAD RAGE

A NEW prop under the A167 Gateshead Highway

The Agri Brigade

I F environment secretary Steve Reed hoped

The BBC licence fee

W ITH the feel of a placed leak,

NATIONAL AFFRONT

LATE last year, an analysis by the Centre

ROGUE ZEROES

“Now, the final prayer shall be read... in

AD NAUSEAM

BANKS don’t like their customers switching to a

MALGORITHMS

Slough & South Bucks Observer: “Slough hockey captain

WORLD OF SPORT

UNLIKE the sportswashing superpowers of Saudi Arabia, Qatar

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA

A GLIMPSE into the post-fact social media future

CULTUNE BORES

POP EYE

AS THIS year’s Brit awards approach on 1

GOLDEN FLEECING?

THE Golden Globes won glowing reviews when kicking

WICKED GAME

THE announcement last week that Cynthia Erivo has

GNOME CINEMA

AT THE start of Emilia Pérez ,

Letter from Panama City

from Our Own Correspondent

WILDFIRE WATCH

T HE 7,500 firefighters battling to control C

Postcard from Chisinau

P RESIDENT Maia Sandu may have just seen

NOOKS and CORNERS

AFTER masonry started falling off the once handsome

IT’S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON KNIFE & PACKER

POST WASTE

January sales POST OFFICE results for 2023/24,

Letters

letters@private-eye.co.uk Cover story Sir, I

MUSIC & MUSICIANS

THE dysfunctional Arts Council England (ACE) doesn’t chalk

Trump frees hostages

THERE was delight throughout Washington as Donald Trump

Joe Biden’s farewell address

That legacy in full: “Um… er… what

RETURN OF VILLAGE IDIOT (SURELY ‘PEOPLE’?)

(Left to right: Building a Wall, Crypto Wild

MIDDLE EAST CEASEFIRE DEAL LATEST

TRUMP’S NEW TECH WORLD ORDER – WHAT YOU WILL SEE

■ META to be renamed MAGA ■

Ex-Conservative MP writes exclusively for the Eye from Washington D.C.

Dee Nial Hi! Well, guess what! No really,

SHOCK ABSENCE AT INAUGURATION FUELS SPLIT RUMOURS

THE Washington rumour mill has gone into overdrive

Labour pledges 100s of Nightingale facilities to fix crisis

THE government has vowed to ease the pressure

Millionaires flee Britain

RACHEL Reeves’s disastrous punitive budget has seen millions

Young people all signed off with stress

Shocking new statistics have revealed that one in

POLICE LOG

Neasden Central Police Station

EX-SINN FEIN LEADER TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR COMPENSATION

FACT SHAMING TO BE BANNED

There was a huge advance in human progress

THOSE NEW UN-FACT-CHECKED FACEBOOK FEEDS IN FULL:

n Everyone everywhere approves of Mark Zuckerberg dropping

‘Jail time would have been on the cards’ insists special prosecutor

FORMER Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith has

TRUMP WORLD

That rewritten map of the earth in full:

World responds to Trump’s Panama and Greenland demands with counter offers

The global reaction to incoming president Donald Trump’s

JIMMY CARTER FUNERAL

WHAT DID BARACK OBAMA ACTUALLY SAY TO DONALD TRUMP?

DOMINIC CUMMINGS ADVISES ELON MUSK

CONVERSATIONS

Labour urges Starmer to harness the power of PI

Senior Labour figures have urged Keir Starmer to

STARMER PROMISES AI ‘POTHOLE REVOLUTION’

BEFORE 1. Driver spots pothole in road 2.

PRIME MINISTER ANNOUNCES MASSIVE BREXIT BONUS

THERE was delight this week as a genuine,

BADENOCH MAKES SPEECH ADMITTING PAST MISTAKES:

How the next week panned out: Monday:

TONY BLAIR WARNS STARMER ABOUT DANGERS OF MENTAL HEALTH OVERDIAGNOSIS

CONCERN AFTER RUSSIAN BREACH OF PARLIAMENTARY SECURITY

EYE JANUARY FUN QUIZ

TO BRIGHTEN UP THE GLOOMY START TO THE YEAR

Transcript of that Liz Truss legal meeting in full…

Location: The offices of one of Britain’s top

POETRY CORNER

In Memoriam Jean-Marie Le Pen, right-wing French politician,

MARVILE LUNIVERSE

Baby Reichdeer

The painfully funny story of obsession. He was

Bid to purchase Telegraph falls through

THE latest attempt to buy the Telegraph newspaper

Lines written on the separation of Scotland’s most famous couple

’Twas January in the year twenty twenty five

KERBER'S PEOPLE

“Ok, Arthur, I think it’s time we removed

KATE PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO FRONT PAGE

The Princess of Wales delighted the whole of

LOS ANGELES WILDFIRES LATEST

Homes not belonging to famous rich people probably burnt down too

n Los Angeles officials say they are unable

What they should do about this year’s Oscars:

1. Don’t cancel them but stage them immediately

Novak Djokovic – AN APOLOGY

IN COMMON with all other British newspapers we

Is curse of Strictly about to strike again?

THE writing’s on the wall – followers of

NEIL GAIMAN RESPONDS TO ABUSE ACCUSATIONS

THE TRA TORS BIRD TABLE TM

Why should our faithful feathered friends miss out

DIARY

It was a New Year that demanded consumption

Private Eye

“We’re fine, thanks, but next door might appreciate

Long Covid

Alive in the Merciful Country A.L. Kennedy

Nature crawls

Blythe Spirit: The Remarkable Life of Ronald Blythe

Amersi mission

n “I HAVE chosen to call this book

BOOKS & BOOKMEN BAD OMENS

n LAST year’s Tortoise podcast, Master , featured

Pseuds Corner

I’m all about having big-flavor, shelf-stable ingredients to

THE LUCY LETBY CASE: PART 13

Discolouring the evidence A KEY reason neonatal nurse

Private Eye

“Ok, ok, big teeth, big ears... Now, if

Gulf links

MORE damning evidence last week of the Gulf

Drax evasion

MPS AND peers of all parties are increasingly

Loose threads

FASHION retailer Shein, which chancellor Rachel Reeves is

No funicular

AFTER more than £25m in repairs, it remains

Steel away

“ I MADE a promise to the people

Gag reflex

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE Knacker has arrested and charged a whistleblower

Armed farces

AN independent review of the British Army Reserve

Presumed guilty

WHEN James was arrested aged 17 for carrying

Risk assessment

FOUR mothers who were brought together by the

Under destruction

YET more universities are pushing ahead with staff

Hashed tag

NOT content with hauling septuagenarian protester Gaie Delap

Water torture

ELDERLY and vulnerable residents at a Cornish park

Crest of a wave

KING CHARLES’s list of new royal warrants, announced

Wells to-do

THE great Church of England (CofE) salsa of

In the City

Dough nations T ALK of a $100m

THE LAST LAUGH…

“And just how long have you felt the